Anxiety [Muke af]

Twenty-nine

!Trigger warning near the end!

"When do you wanna sing him the song?" Ashton stuffed a cookie in his mouth, and looked at Luke, who was crouched over his piano, playing some different notes. He stopped and looked at Ashton, who sat with his legs crossed on the floor beside him "I was thinking on his birthday? But, if you wanna throw him the party on his actual birthday it's okay," he said quietly, feeling quite tired.

"No, it's okay. I can just do it the day before his birthday... and it's just gonna be me and him, I think. We always do that on his birthdays. You know, have a movie marathon... eat loads of unhealthy food." He laughed, which made Luke giggle "Luke, he adores you. I think he would be so happy to have you for himself on his birthday. You're literally his everything." 

Luke smiled timidly and looked away, his cheeks burning "I'm happy he found you," Ashton said, smiling sadly. He wasn't fully over Michael yet, but he was working on it.

"Are you sure?..." he bit his lip, turning to look at Ashton "100% sure!" Luke looked down at his fingers with a shy smile "Thanks, Ash." 

-

"How is everything, Luke?" Jane sent him a warm smile and offered him a bowl with some candy, which he politely declined. 

"I... I erh, I relapsed a few days ago... I had to go to the hospital and get stitches," He said and hung his head in shame. Jane nodded with a hum and scribbled down something on her notepad. 

She was about to speak, but stopped herself, rephrasing her question she wanted to ask him in her head "Want to tell me why? Was it stress? Anxiety? or did you just feel the urge to do so?" 

Luke rubbed his eyes with his sweater covered hands and glanced shortly at Jane "I- I was just very stressed and- and anxious and I just... wanted to die." He whispered the last part almost on the verge of tears, but Jane could still hear it. 

"Have you spoken to anyone about it? Your mum? Or Michael? Or..?"

"My mum. She was the one who took me to the hospital."

"And Michael? Have you told him?"

Luke shook his head, eyes never leaving his hands "No. I- I don't wanna tell him." 

Jane nodded and looked at the boy for a while "And why is that?"

Luke sighed, feeling overwhelmed with all types of emotions. The voices in his head whispering cruel things to him. He was starting to shake a bit, the voices wouldn't stop. 

"Stop," he whispered, covering his ears. Jane looked at him in concern "Are you alright? What's going on?" He didn't answer, he had his eyes squeezed shot and his hands covering his ears, whispering to himself. 

"They won't stop, please make it stop," he cried, feeling helpless. It had never happened like that before. It was terrifying.

Jane had to keep calm. She had dealt with patients like that before. She stood up from her chair and carefully sat down beside Luke. Not too close, but not too far either.

"Is it okay if I touch you?" she asked in a calm, professional voice. Luke nodded his head, still crying and shaking. It felt like he didn't have control over his body or mind. Jane placed a hand on his back and scooted a bit closer so their knees were touching. She gently rubbed his back, and whispered different things to him "Imagine that you're at home, playing the piano. Remember you told me you like to play piano? You feel calm when you do it, right? Imagine you're doing that right now." It seemed to be working, because Luke visibly calmed more down "Those voices can't hurt you. They're just stupid voices in your head. They're jealous of you, cause you're better than them." Luke choked out a chuckle. He didn't know why he found it kind of funny, but he did.