Anxiety [Muke af]

Thirty-five

I maybe cried a little writing this chapter... just maybe

-

The funeral was a week later. 

Michael really didn't want to come. It was too hard. Luckily, Ashton convinced him to come.

"C'mon, Mikey..." Ashton said softly, his voice cracking a bit. He sat down on Michael's bed. Michael was hiding under the covers. "You'll regret it if you don't." he tried pulling the covers off of Michael. His heart broke by at the sight. Michael had messy hair, bloodshot eyes, bags under his eyes, tears silently rolling down his cheek. 

He had trouble sleeping. He kept having nightmares about finding Luke. He was afraid to go to sleep. 

Ashton bit his lip, looking up to stop himself from crying. He had to be the strong one right now. He opened up his arms and let Michael crawl on to his lap. "I can't, Ashton. It'll be too hard," he whispered, knowing if he spoke louder his voice would crack. Ashton stroked Michael's hair. "Maybe, you'll have it easier with moving on afterwards?" Michael bit his lips and took a deep breath. "W-What if it becomes too much, Ash? What if... What if I never get over it?"

"If it becomes too much, just come to me and we can go outside together, yeah? And, you don't have to get over it right away. Getting over something like that can take years, Mikey. It's okay." Michael nodded and sat up and wiped his eyes. "O-Okay."

As mentioned, it's been a week. It's been the hardest week of Michael's life. There was a suicide note. There was three. One for Liz, Michael and Ashton. Michael hadn't read his note yet. He couldn't get himself to do it. 

Ashton left to the living room for Michael to get ready. He sat on his bed and looked at the drawer with  the note in it. He was scared. Scared of what it was going to say. What if it was all his fault? He reached over and shakily opened the drawer and got out the letter. He opened it with trembling hands and tears filled his eyes when seeing Luke's sloppy handwriting. 

Dear, Mikey.

If you're reading this, I'm probably gone. It's not your fault, please don't blame yourself. You couldn't have done anything, but you made my last days on earth the best. I love you, Michael. Please don't forget that. You're probably wondering why I did it. I wasn't happy. Only with you and Ashton. And I don't think that's a way to live. I can't live my life relying on other people for my happiness. People thought my mental health was getting better, but it wasn't, it was getting worse. But, please don't be sad. You couldn't have done anything, I had it planned for a while. I love you. You were my first everything. First kiss, first love, first time doing... you know. I'm so happy all of that was with you. So please do me a favour? I found my soulmate, so please go out and find yours. 

I love you.

Lukey x 

Tears dripped on to the paper and his whole body was trembling. Small sobs left his mouth and his vision was blurry. No. He didn't want anyone else, he wanted Luke. Only him. 

-

After the funeral, when the people were leaving, Liz tugged Michael to the side. They were both a mess. But, they had to keep close in this hard time. Liz swallowed thickly and handed Michael a bag. Michael looked at her with a questioning look, but took the bag and looked into his. His breath hitched and felt tears prickle in his eyes. He looked up at Liz and shook his head. "No. I-I can't accept that-"