He Never Does || n.h

Chapter 29: Just Forget The World

Chapter 29:

Maybe we can make it.

We could learn to be together, facing the world through thick and thin. I know for a concrete fact that we will never be apart until the day I die. We don't even want each other, it's more than that, we need each other. I need to learn how to live with what we've got. It's all I have, really.

I hope nobody misinterprets that as me and Niall. No, I've given up on him at this point. He will never return to me.

I was referring to me and my broken heart.

I have to learn to live with it. And it has to learn how to live whilst being broken. A valiant challenge I am not at all eager to face. Yet, here I am. Alone by the ocean shore as all of my friends laugh inside. A miserable shell of a person.

But that's okay too. I don't need to be constantly looking for something so unattainable as love. My energy can be better spent trying to piece together my own life rather than trying to piece myself around someone else's. I don't have to be living, I just have to be alive.

It will be easier this way. I won't have to care about anything.

The sky I stare up at is in that unsure state between sunset and night. Light still shines down, but dimly...and you can't see the sun. And the sand begins to cool. And the waves begin to slow. And the crickets begin to chirp. And it's just calm and perfect all around. That's my favorite time of the day. When people begin to settle down for the evening and the air is not too hot and not too cool. I believe it's called twilight. Or dusk.

Either way, it's my favorite.

I stretch out my legs onto the sand, my toes a few feet from the rolling shoreline. My body feels strange right now. Like I'm heavy or something, set in stone so to speak. The feeling brings on a flashback that feels so real I almost have a heart attack.

The ocean in front of me is replaced by trees. My body is lifeless on the ground. I'm lying in the clearing, blood from my stab wound soaking into the mossy ground beneath me. And Niall is here. He's speaking and suddenly I grab my journal out from my bag, in real life, before I lose this memory.

29th of June, 2014:

"This can't be happening. I'm dreaming, Rosie. I'm dreaming. I'm going to wake up tomorrow and you are still going to be okay. Even though you left me...even though you don't love me, you are still okay. Agh! But that still wouldn't be right would it! You should never have left us Rosie! But even before that I should never have let you go in the first place! What was I thinking? How could I let you walk away from us? I wish you were still in New York, still happy there, but even more than that I wish you were still with me, still happy here. That day I saw you in New York was the first day I had felt anything for a long time. I should have kissed you, but I knew you didn't want me to. It was clear you were everything you wanted to be in New York. So why did this happen? Could I have done anything? I should have tried. I should have fucking tried. And I know this doesn't change anything, but I had to come here. I promised you I would. I'm never gonna break this promise to you. Sometimes, I find myself day dreaming about us. Today could have been so different. I could have woken up next to you and then we would have done god knows what but it would have been perfect. After we would have come here and just enjoyed each others company. I can't imagine how it'd feel just to hold you again....But I'll never be able to."

Niall James Horan

Niall's speech is somehow etched into my mind. The words replay in my head and somehow find their way onto my paper. I can literally see him saying them in my head, if all feels too real.