Home Is Your Heartbeat ('Home Is' Book Two - Daryl Dixon)

Chapter 6 - Some Days Are Diamonds (John Denver)

NATE

"Pheweeee bubba!  I thought your Uncle Daryl could fart up a storm. But that one has him beat hands down."

I wind down my window to suck in some fresh air. While Juju gives me a toothless grin and chortles.

"Yup. You know exactly what Nana is talking about, don't you? Cheeky girl "  My mouth forms itself into a painful smile.

My lips are still split and swollen as if they've been over-plumped with collagen. But then, so is most of my face and body. But at least the cut on my cheek has stopped breaking open and bleeding. It's starting to scab over a bit.

Another scar added to my ever-growing collection.

We'd bid farewell to the Honeymoon Residence four days ago. Stayed for a little while, hoping Daryl or one of the others might make their way there.

When I shut up the house, I just left a couple of notes this time....not a whole billboard.

'Here she goes again'  I can hear you all muttering under your breath.

Going off the deep end, just like she did when her other family was taken away. Starting up fruitless searches. Looking for them when she knows bloody well that they're gone.

And she's on her own again. Left behind.

NupNupNup and NUP....screw that!

I'm not that girl anymore.

I know the difference now....the difference between living in hope and living a lie. And my hope certainly isn't a fruitless one. Not when it comes to my family or Daryl

They're all  alive, they're out there and now it's time to go find them.

But I still have my moments. More than a few actually....when I give in to grief. I'm not so tough that I can just get over death in the blink of an eye.

Losing Hershel like that? After he'd survived the worst and still had so much to give....live for?

If losing him made me feel like I've  been hit by an avalanche, then how will Maggie be feeling right now? Rick, who relied so much on his wisdom and guidance.

And Daryl, who quietly idolised him. Those eyes of his would blink unconsciously to try and hide the pride filling them. Every time Hershel called him 'son'.

Mich....did she get away from the Governor in all the chaos and confusion that went down when the battle began?

I think....maybe....if I don't grieve? Then it'll be like denying they ever meant anything to me. The ultimate disrespect almost.

That having them in my life made no difference to who I am. Who I've become for better or worse thanks to their love. Hopefully for the better.

If I don't mourn? My apple tree might just shrivel itself up and die.

It's so hard, explaining it to you all without feeling silly.

Feeling....

The day I stop doing that....that's when I'll know. That I may as well sit my useless butt down and simply let death come for me. Because I won't be of help to anyone anymore, let alone myself.

I have to accept that loss is now going to be a regular part of my life. Yet I'm not going to switch off when it happens. I'll still yell my pain....scream my anger....and cry my sorrow.

Because that's me. For better and  worse, huh?

Just as I can't live my life being afraid of losing people I love anymore. Otherwise, I may as well be alone and if I'm alone....then I may as well be dead then too.