Home Is Your Heartbeat ('Home Is' Book Two - Daryl Dixon)

Chapter 6 - Some Days Are Diamonds (John Denver)

NATE

"Pheweeee, bubba!  I thought your Uncle Daryl could fart up a storm? But that one has him beat....hands down."

I wind down my window to suck in some fresh air. While Juju gave me a toothless grin and chortled.

"Yup. You know exactly what Nana is talking about, don't you? Cheeky girl! "  My mouth forms itself into a painful smile.

My lips remain split and swollen, as if they've been over-plumped with collagen. But then, most of my face and body are as well.

But at least the cut on my cheek has stopped breaking open and bleeding. It's now beginning to scab over a bit.

Another addition to my ever-growing collection of scars.

We bid farewell to the Honeymoon Residence four days ago. Stayed for a little while, hoping that Daryl or one of the others might make their way there.

When I shut up the house? I left only a couple of notes this time....and not a whole billboard.

'Here she goes again'  I can hear you all muttering under your breath.

Going off the deep end, just like she did when her other family was taken away. Starting up fruitless searches. Looking for them, when she knows only too bloody well that they're gone.

And she's on her own again. Left behind, abandoned.

NupNupNup and NUP....SCREW THAT!

I'm not that girl anymore.

I know the difference now....the distinct contrasts between living in hope and living a lie. And my hope certainly isn't a fruitless one. Not when it comes to my family or Daryl

They're all  alive, they're out there somewhere and now? It's time for us to go and find them.

But I still have my moments. More than a few actually....when I give in to grief. I'm not so tough that I can just get over death in the blink of an eye.

Losing Hershel like that? After he'd survived the worst yet still had so much to give....and live for?

If losing him made me feel like I'd  been hit by an avalanche, then how would Maggie be coping right now? Rick, who relied so much on his wisdom and guidance.

And Daryl, who quietly idolised him. Those eyes of his would blink rapidly in reflex, to try and hide the pride that filled them.

Every time Hershel called him....'Son'.

Mich....did she get away from the Governor in all the chaos and confusion that went down when the battle began?

I think, that maybe....if I don't  grieve? Then it'll be like, a denial that they ever meant anything to me. The ultimate disrespect.

That having them in my life had made no difference whatsoever to who I am now. Who I've become for better or worse, thanks to their love.

Hopefully for the better.

If I don't mourn? Then my apple tree might just shrivel itself up and die.

It's so hard, explaining it to you all without feeling silly.

Feeling....

The day I stop doing it....is when I'll know. That I may as well just sit my useless butt down and simply allow death to come for me. Because I won't be of help to anyone anymore, let alone myself.

I have to accept that loss is now going to be a regular part of my life. Even so, I'm not going to switch off when it happens. I'll still yell my pain....scream my anger....and cry my sorrow.