Home Is Your Heartbeat ('Home Is' Book Two - Daryl Dixon)

Chapter 90 - To Love Somebody (Bee Gees)

NATE

My head is currently a horrible place to be, my friends. So I sincerely apologise  😢

Enter at your own peril....

Jorge told me. That I had to get away from everything reminding me of what happened, so I could start to heal.

I sincerely doubt that even Antarctica will be far enough 'away'  for me to get over this.

Can a person actually die....from grief I mean? It sure as hell is starting to feel like it.

Losing Leo, realising that he  was the walker I killed? The blood within my veins turned into crushed glass.

Once it finally sank in that Carl was gone too? Felt like I'd swallowed a thousand hornet nests. The pain of a billion stings in places I never knew existed inside me....is still never-ending. My heart is writhing in agony.

But at the same time? My outer body is numb as if I've been frozen solid.

Yet I know deep down? That this torturous misery will be nothing compared to what Rick and Mich....Oh God....everyone....

It wasn't supposed to be like this! None of this....was supposed to be like this!

I'll survive. I've got no choice and neither has anyone else. That's the price we pay, huh? They go and we're left behind. Remembering what once was and mourning what will never be.

That's my special curse. Because I'll always  remember.

We'll all learn to live with it one day, but Jeezus. Can't karma just give us all a fucking break for once and stop paying back in kind?

Lesson learnt big-time already! We all fucked up with the Saviors! But they shouldn't have paid for it.

None of them should've paid!

*

As we walked, Daryl eventually opened up. I just had to be patient and hear him. Let him tell me in his own time....his own way.

He beat the crap out of Rick? FUCK ME!

"Like I said, lost myself on purpose I reckon. Think I knew right from the start everything I was gonna do. Was so far gone again? That nuthin yer or anyone else could've said or done....would've changed my mind."

"I didn't even give a shit about the workers or their  families. Told Rick I just wanted it done whatever the cost. Couldn't realise at the time how high the price would be. Yer know?"

Daryl was almost begging me to understand why he tore up Rick's plans with his own fists. Before giving the Sanctuary a dump truck enema.

While Alexandria was being decimated by Negan and the Saviors who escaped? Dwight stepped up to the plate once more. Killing the ones he was with to help Daryl save our family.

Then as my own brave man was safely leading all the Alexandria survivors to Hilltop? He gave himself up to stop our family from being captured.

So Tara told him, but Daryl thinks otherwise. And those thoughts are now being vocalised loudly, furiously once more. Another thing we'll have to 'agree to disagree'  on.

But I give silent thanks to Dwight and Daryl again. Everyone still alive from the three communities are here at Hilltop because of them both. Precious few now, given the events of the last couple of nights.

However, the Saviors are now stronger than ever.

My footsteps grind to a halt. Hearing Daryl's breath hitch out into the silence that's fallen between us. When I turn I notice he's watching me carefully. And the fear spreading over his face again? Breaks my heart a fair bit more.