Fix You ~Completed~

Act Fifty-One

"And that pretty much catches you up." I quickly wiped my cheeks, hoping the tears would stop soon. Now, they understood. They saw that Kyla wasn't always as terrible as he was when they met him. At one point, we were perfectly content and we would have done anything for each other. Us was all we had.

Eddie was the first to speak, unable to believe what I was telling them. "So, wait. Kyla repeatedly denied being gay and having any attraction towards you... and you stayed with him?"

I shrugged sheepishly, staring down at my lap. "Kyla grew up in a family that was very conservative. They wouldn't have been accepting of him being with me. I thought that's where his issues came from. I thought he just had problems being in love with me because he felt like it was something that was wrong. That was what his parents taught him!" I tried to explain. My voice lost its momentum and I fell flat. Eddie was sitting beside me on the bed while Gale paced back and forth, rubbing the side of his face in thought. "That was usually the excuse I used for him. I told myself he couldn't accept himself. B-but now I think I realize that Kyla honestly d-didn't love me. He wasn't lying when he told me he was straight. He was only lying when he told me he loved me more than anything because he knew it was what I wanted to hear. It was what kept me with him. It was what kept me so in love with him."

"He... he loved your need for him," Gale whispered, freezing in the middle of the floor. My two friends shared a soft look. "He only wanted to be with you because of the fact he could do anything to you and you'd still love him. Clem, you let him use you and you realized that... that it wasn't real."

I shook my head, covering my face. "I didn't know! I-I didn't know he was using me. I just thought he was conflicted! I told you!" I defended myself, bringing all of my limbs in. Maybe if I shrunk enough, they'd stop looking at me. They'd stop judging me for how pathetic I was. No one could look down on me anymore.

"Clem! He taught you to cut yourself and made a joke about how you'd probably accidentally kill yourself! How could you believe he cared about you? How could you be so daft? You're a smart boy, Clem! What the hell were you doing?" Gale broke, shouting at me. His raised voice didn't scare me like Kyla's did. I'd never heard Gale yell in anger, but the sound didn't cause my stomach to seize in on itself. It was just off-putting.

I shook my head. "I was desperate. I wanted to believe whatever he told me. Kyla probably could have stabbed me and I wouldn't have been mad as long as he kissed me afterwards."

"He's never stabbed you for real, right?" Eddie whispered from beside me. I told him that Kyla had not. "You know, before when you guys were just friends, he sounded okay."

"Kyla was. He was a good friend before he got involved with a new crowd. When it was only us, he was the greatest person in the whole world and he seemed so content with just me." I took a deep breath, remembering the nights we spent hanging out together. Remembering hurt, but sometimes it made me feel sane. When Kyla would come home and refuse to look at me, or he'd come home and start shouting at me for whatever mistake I'd made, I just tried to push it all away and think about those good days. Those good days protected me from my crumbling world. "I got bullied a lot. I-I didn't really tell you that. It stopped being so bad when Kyla became my friend, because he'd protect me. When kids referred to me by crappy names or would talk down to me in class, he'd go after them. I got locker slammed by this soccer guy that hated me once and Kyla slashed his freaking tires he was so pissed. There were a few fist fights between him and some guys that would harass me in the locker room during P.E. Kyla always won. He fought dirty."

"How did they harass you?" Eddie pushed, leaning forwards with his eyes narrowed. I tried to smile, promising him it was nothing too bad. A little name calling, rounds of Smear the Queer, Sharpied insults on my belongings. It only got physical a handful of times. That fact wasn't necessary for Eddie to know; all it would do was cause him pain. "I can't imagine Kyla sticking up for you. I can't imagine him being anything but the shit-bag that leaves those fucking bruises on you. Thinking about him as your white knight..."