These past couple months have been hard. I never wanted to loose Zay. I wanted him to marry me. I wanted us to grow old together. I stared at my phone. I tear came to my eyes as I came across his contact name.
I have been crying hysterically for a 8 weeks. Mason and Lena weren't doing so well either. We all stayed out of school. I didn't want to be around anyone. But yet Lena and Mason were here. We were practicing our euology's for Zayden's funeral. It got pushed back for what ever reason. I was almost glad it was. I don't think I could stand in front of 100+ people and talk about my dead boyfriend.
"Hey, Iani, it's your turn," I heard Mason say quietly. He has really been hit hard. He lost his best friend. But then again so did I.
"Right, um, sorry" I've been spacing out alot. Which the doctors and my therapist said was normal. Yeah. I have one of those now.
"Zayden Weldon was a-" I started. I couldn't finish. My throat started to close up. My tears fell completley. I started to scream. This was never supposed to happen. I kept screaming and eventually I hit the ground with a loud thud. Mason and Lena held me in their arms trying to calm me down.
Chrissa came rushing in the room. They were all telling me it would be ok. But it wouldn't because Zayden was never going to come back.
My head began to hurt due to how loud I was screaming. But I did not care.
They were rocking me back and forth.
"Call 911! I think she's having a panic attack!" Yelled Chrissa. Before Lena could mover her hand to grab her phone, I grabbed her hand. I couldn't go to the hospital. I didn't want to. All I could think about was Zay.
My throat began to hurt from my screaming. My face was tear-stained. I eventually stopped and was just sniffling rocking back and forth. Lena pulled back my hair. Mason's hand was on my leg. Chrissa was just watching not knowing what to do.
Where was my dad? How is his wife here during this crucial time and he's not? I guess I gave Chrissa a harder time than I thought.
I layed on the floor for awhile. Thinking. It got very quiet. Other than, Lena's sniffles, it was quiet.
I was soon dozing off. But not too much to where I couldn't feel someone who I assumed was Mason, pick me up from the floor and lay me in my bed. He gently kissed my forehead.
"He will always love you, mija" He said softly. I didn't cry this time. I almost smiled in fact. He did love me. He told me all the time. I then fell asleep. I couldn't sleep right through my normal 10 hours. Now, I would just wake up with nightmares. It also felt like he was watching me sometimes.
I was sometimes scared to be alone.
When Zay was alive, we were either always together or on the phone. I was hardly alone. And if I wasn't with him I was with Mason or Lena. But now I felt his presence almost everywhere. I know to some people that's comforting, but for me? I felt... I don't know.
********
I woke up with a pounding headache. I stared at my ceiling hoping it would go away. I did less crying that night. I was getting better. Zayden wouldn't want me to be crying every second like this. So for him, I was going to try.
I threw the blanket off of me and let my feet hang off the bed. As I attempted to get up, I stepped on a hand. I almost screamed as I looked down at Lena's body spread across the floor along with Mason's. I guess they stayed over for me. How sweet.
I went to the bathroom and looked at my red, puffy eyes in the mirror. I washed and dried my face.
I came out and sat at my desk. A glanced at a picture of me and Zay on our third date. We went to a bowling alley. It was really late so I slept over at his house to prevent Chrissa and my dad waking up. I smiled.
I held my camera up to the mirror and snapped.
Day 59. I thought to myself. 59 days without him. I marked it off on my calendar in a red sharpie. I sighed. I cannot believe he is really gone.
He died a hero. He was saving Lena from some dirt bag.
If Lena had never went upstairs with him, he would have never gotten in the fight to begin with. He would not be dead right now. My thoughts started to consume me. I channeled my sorrow in to anger. I was angry at Lena.
I found myself waking Lena up.
"This is all your fault!" I yelled. She sat up with a confused look on her face.
"He would still be alive right now Lena!" I yelled again. She was standing up now.
"What are you talking about?" She asked.
I was even more mad. What am I talking about? I couldn't control what my mouth said next.
"YOU KILLED ZAY! HE WOULD BE HERE RIGHT NOW! BUT YOU WENT UPSTAIRS WITH SOME RANDOM GUY WHO YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW. YOU CAN'T TELL ME YOU HONESTLY THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE JUST GOING TO "TALK"," I was practically screaming at her now. Mason woke up at the time too.
"What's goin on in-" I cut him off.
"YOU KNEW EXACTLY WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN! AND INSTEAD YOU DRAGGED HIM INTO THIS. HE SHOULD HAVE NEVER DIED FOR YOU!" I was a raging now. My adrenaline was pumping.
"Iani, I- I'm sorry," Lena said, eyes watering.
"NO, YOU DON'T GET TO SAY SORRY! IT'S YOUR FAULT! YOUR THE REASON I HAVE TO BURY MY BOYFRIEND IN TWO DAYS!"
"Iani, Iani, hey, relax. Your just really worked up right now," Mason was coming towards me now and sat me back down at my desk. Lena was now crying. She grabbed her things and ran out of my house. I was on 10.
I pushed Mason off of me.
"Hey, hey,hey!" Mason said, taken back.
"He's gone. He's dead. Lena didn't tell Zay to fight that guy. She didn't know that that guy would force her into doing something she didn't want to do," Mason's eyes were also tearing up now. "I know your hurt, Iani. I know. We all are. But that doesn't mean you can take it out on everyone," He wiped his nose as he finished his last sentence. "You aren't the only one who loved him,"
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
