you promised forever // poetry

witness

I don't know what it's like to be addicted to pills. I know what it feels like to be addicted to love, and pain, but not pills. I do know what it feels like to be a witness, though. It kills. Dad told me he loved me, but it was a word not a feeling. Every time I see someone stumble in the streets or I smell the burning smell of smoke I let it fill my lungs as I'm reminded of you. I don't remember the trips you took our family on or the love you delivered, because that never happened. I only remember all the times you left me in tears or threatened my mother. They say pain is a prison, please let me out of your cell. I do everything to please you, I promise I do. I try to be the little girl you've always wanted, but that just isn't me. I've grown up now, dad. I know that you haven't, but the rest of us have. I sit in my room, tears running down my face as I yell. I yell for my Mom, I yell for our family. I yell hoping that it will change something, but it never does. You come pick me up and I open the car door with shaking hands, praying to God that I don't do anything that upsets you. I'm in a car with a parent I barely know, a parent I am afraid of. I sacrifice my wishes and health and feelings just so you don't get upset with me. I'm hungry and weak, but I know if I ask you for food you'll make me leave the car because it is an inconvenience for you. You're too busy. Always too busy. Too busy for your daughter? Too busy for our family? I keep my mouth shut, counting down the minutes until you can let me out of this moving trap. 

Don't you want to see your babies grow? I guess drugs are more important. You don't see the way that this is affecting us. It's been hurting me for years. But you won't quit it, will you? You're going to keep popping and smoking until those killers kill you. I know you're gone. You've been gone for awhile. But I can still feel you, the you that you were before the killers took you.

I have a picture of us and it kills me. But I don't need a picture frame of my Dad, I need the real thing. We've never had a relationship, so why do I feel like I lost something that I've never even had? You need to be here when I graduate, tell me congratulations, give me a pat on the back. 

My brother and I are too young to understand. We both walk on eggshells, hoping you don't hear us in the house. The emptiness in your eyes tells me the drugs have you held captive. Some say it's fun to get the high, but do you see me laughing? 

Our most recent conversation, maybe the last. I tell you how I feel, but you say this isn't you. I wish you were here, mentally here, but every time I imagine you all I feel is pain. I don't know if you hear me, but if you're listening please save me. Save yourself, save our family. I need a dad. I need to feel wanted, I need to feel good enough. It's all that I ever crave. I'm insecure and afraid, I think it comes from you. When those pills take you, can you take me with you?