you promised forever // poetry

the black cloud

i feel like i'm losing the creativity i once had as a little girl.

the bubbly little girl who picked dandelions and gave them to strangers to make their day better is no longer inside of me,

she's prancing around the dandelion patch alone, while i'm trapped here; in my own mind. the black cloud above my head called depression blocks my view so that i can't even see her. i would forget her if it weren't for me being close enough to hear the soothing sound of her laugh as she plays with friends that the new me could never have.

i have given up my innocence and creativity in order to please those around me. they taught me i can't be myself and i can't have my own ideas; i have to copy theirs. i have to be exactly like them. i thought i'd be able to keep the spark of creativity tucked in the back of my mind for another day, and it worked for awhile, but eventually it thought that it wasn't needed anymore so it let itself fade away - just like my old self did.

sometimes the happy six year old version of myself comes and asks to play. i'm always so tempted to accept the offer and join her in the dandelion patch but something always stops me, whether it's the voice inside my head or the other girls telling me it'll make me lame.

for once i ignore the voices and walk towards where the little girl is playing. she flashes her bright smile at me, and i try to smile in return, but it's too late. the thoughts - they grab onto my wrist, and drag me away. i'm able to pull away from the thoughts but the mean girls who i think are my friends run toward me at the opportunity and grab my wrists once again before i even realized i was ever free. the young brown haired girl wanting to play doesn't notice, but when she finally turns her head in my direction and sees that my thoughts have gotten the best of me once again, her smile practically falls off her face.

the girls took me further and further away from the little girl and the cloud above my head got bigger and bigger until it consumed me. it covered my ears until i couldn't even hear their voices yelling at me anymore. everything just felt numb; non existent; fake. it felt like i wasn't even in my own body anymore because i wasn't me. i wasn't as bubbly. i couldn't draw my own pictures anymore unless i was copying someone else. i miss being able to do that. the little girl i used to be was so creative and talented. it's like the cloud soaked up all the creativity and talent i once had.

i dream of being able to play with the little girl without having the mean girls drag me away from her. i dream of being the girl who paints to stop feeling the pain instead of scarring up her beautiful body. i dream of actually having a beautiful body, instead of one with bones showing because she's too depressed to eat. i picture myself painting gorgeous paintings that aren't someone else's idea, they're my own original art pieces. i even had my own fashion sense; one that was influenced by no one other than myself. the black cloud no longer drooped above my head.

but, of course, i woke up screaming. the black cloud had not disappeared from above my head, it only grew bigger.

and it continued to grow bigger,

until it completely and utterly consumed me

and i had nothing left to give.

________

authors note !¡

so in case you were unaware, today is national mental health awareness day and i just wanted to share this poem / short story i wrote. this is basically a description of my experience with depression & depersonalization put into a short story.
i left out so many other mental illnesses that i've struggled with but i wanted to focus on the two d's : depression and depersonalization 😂

obviously everyone deals with depression and other mental illnesses differently, this has just been a small part of my experience with it.

anyway, i just wanted to let everyone know what day it was and temporarily put you into my dark mind aha x