aurora
My father has insisted that due to the new found desire of staying in my room everyday and not eating i needed to go back to therapy. i wasn't surprised yet it still causes the chills on my back to come to life because of the idea of seeing grayson there would be painful. however i was still sat on the chair, i continued to gaze out the window. today the sky painted with shades of pinks and oranges.
the colors bring a way of warmth and i close my eyes when the light of the sun kisses my skin. i wasn't sure why but that sunset made me want to cry. i mean, perhaps, it was not the sunset and just the recent events that has made me want to do so every hour of the day.
my breaths were heavy when looking out that window. tears were falling now and i get up beginning to pace my room. i needed a distraction, something new today that can ease the bad urges. i am scanning my room with the intentions of doing something then all at once my mind orders me to look at his paintings. the ones that were stamped with his features. they stare at me with such dejection and evil.
i have been creating his face on a canvas so much more now due to him always being on my mind. it saddened me most of the time and i pitied myself because of it. however at this moment looking at that sorry, excuse for art created anger. i despise it's presence in my room and go for it. it's in my hands when i take the nearby pencil and stab into the solid piece.
it's almost uplifting when i do it quicker as well. tears are falling a little harder and then they soon turn into sobs. i am unable to stop until her voice rings in my ears. "aurora." during this time i halt and freeze in my tracks.
that voice being so familiar and burning my skin from the absence of it around me anymore. when i turn around i don't expect my mother's figure lingering in the corner of my room. i always thought if i ever came across the presence of a ghost i would only be terrified by it.
yet seeing my mom in the same room as me is absolutely riveting. "mom?" i question in whisper. she looks so real and it's aching once she walks closer to me. "is it really you? or am i just stuck in a dream?" i ask frantically and she shakes her head.
her hand goes to my cheek and i can feel it's warmth. i close my eyes when she does and it's the best feeling in the world. to have her skin against mine. "no it's not, muñeca." the nickname causes goosebumps to uprise.
"i don't understand." i pause and tears fall. "how are you here? how can i feel you?" i ask and she smiles. the action of it brings such emotions of pure admiration for my mother. i use to take advantage of how beautiful her smile was.
"don't worry about how it is happening and just live in the moment." she tells me and i nod when immediately pulling her into a hug. she feels the same way she always did and consists of the same scent on her clothes. i want to stay this way forever but she pulls apart and cups my face. she stares hard. "so broken, muñeca. i wish i can fix it." she admits and those words make me cry a little harder.
"i wish you were really here, momma. i miss you so much. i need you." she nods and her eyes now appear a little glossier.
"i know, i know." she says and pulls me into the hug once more. "and i am so sorry. i never wanted this." she tells me and i let a sob escape my lips.
"i know you didn't." i voice and look at her. "i don't know what to do anymore, momma. i feel like i'm drowning and i'm not even in water. it's suffocating and sometimes i just want to go where you are. so we can be like this. together, forever." my mother shakes her head swiftly.
"no, my love. you can't do that. i may not be there in person to watch you live your life but i always wanted you to. i don't want you with me yet." she explains and i frown when she does.
