What Are The Odds?

twenty six

The room is pretty silent after that.

Not just for a couple of minutes either...it's been silent for awhile and in all honesty it's starting to annoy Zayn. He knows the boys are there for him. He knows that they care about him and that they want him to get better, but they have no idea what this is like for him. They have no idea what it's like to constantly be in pain to the point where it worries him more when he's not in pain. They have no idea what it's like to fear falling asleep during the week because what happens if that's the night he'll die and his parents won't be able to be there. They have no idea how it feels to be the reason your family is living day to day when in any other circumstance they probably could be living a normal, middle class life.

Sure Louis knows some of the feelings of being in pain, but– and not to think less of his sickness– he got to take the easy way out. He got to just cut the part off of him that was causing him pain, whereas if Zayn were to cut the parts that were hurting out he'd be lucky to keep maybe his hands. No matter how much all of this bothers Zayn, though, he knows he won't call the boys out on it because they're just trying to understand. He knows how hard it is to understand not wanting to live anymore, but what's even harder is trying to explain it.

"Can you guys please talk to me?" Zayn says quietly after sitting in silence for over an hour.

"What do you want us to say Zayn? You're basically signing your life away tomorrow," Liam says while not making eye contact with the boy.

"I'm not signing my life away! I'm getting the stupid surgery," Zayn argues back.

"Yeah but if anything happens you're not gonna let my dad do anything to help you!" Liam says back a bit harsher than intended.

"Because I'm tired of needing to be helped around every minute of my life, Liam! I'm getting the surgery and your dad is gonna do everything he can, but if something happens then I just want life to take its toll because I'm tired of slapping cancer around only for it to come back and punch me in the face!"

"Alright let's just all cool down a bit," Ashton says quietly as he pushes Liam to sit back down. "Zayn you don't have to explain yourself to us."

"Yes he does!" Liam exclaims standing up again but Ashton just pushes him down yet again.

"No he doesn't Liam. This is his life. We have no idea what any of this is like, so you can't actually imagine what must have made Zayn decide this. He's not doing this to spite any of us, Liam. He's doing it to spite cancer," Ashton explains.

"Well you're right about one thing. I really don't understand any of this," Liam says as he now leaves the room.

Ashton looks between Zayn and where Liam had just stormed out of the room, and with a slight nod from Louis, Ashton knew what he had to do. So quickly the curly headed boy was following after the other, leaving Louis and Zayn to once again sit in silence.

"Why don't you just say it?" Zayn mumbles after a couple minutes of the two saying nothing.

"Say what, Baldie?" Louis jokes but Zayn just glares at him. "I mean there's nothing for me to say. This is what you want to do, and I respect it. I don't understand, but I respect it."

"It's just, like, I know if anything happens that leaves me needing to be hooked up to some machines my parents will never unplug it. They'll literally spend all their money until they're bankrupted to keep me alive, and I can't have them doing that. I need them to get their lives back," Zayn explains and for a second it seemed like Louis actually understood

"I don't think they'll ever be able to get their lives together, Zayn. No matter what way this pans out, what's happened to you– hell, what's happened to both of us– you don't bounce back from that. I know you've had a rougher experience than me, but it's like every time I walk around school now, I'm known as the new cancer kid. That title won't leave me. And it's like, I know– I know you've put everything into this fight, s'just you can't expect anyone to actually be okay with it."