NEPTUNE BURNS

Orange Boy

sometimes i'm guilty of thinking of the boy i loved before you: how he twisted numbers from a calculus book and made them into music notes and symphonies that played my naive heart strings like a fool. the way i held my breath when we sat thigh to thigh and the silent prayers i whimpered when i felt my palms sweating pen ink and salt all over the table. the way i would ignore when he whispered my name so that he could say it again  again  again  till my stomach held derivatives of heartfelt confessions mixed with the taste of oranges. sometimes i'm guilty of dreaming of him. of his smile too wide too perfect too willing to enchant my wide eyed fears. of his laugh too loud too obnoxious too imperfectly able to create a lullaby that shattered me. and sometimes when i think of him i try to fall in love with his memory all over again. i pull the blinds from the crevice of my mind where he lies and i coax him into the sunlight. i dip him in artificial lighting and the citrus bitterness that floods a tongue when you bite into orange peel instead of skin. coat him in hardened candy to mask his zest and attempt to conjure the warmth of lying on slightly dampened grass in the middle of a heat wave - the ease with which your shoulders unfurl and your body slowly unwinds. i attempt to relearn him as you run your fingers through your hair in frustration. as you shake your heard and close your eyes and beg me to say: something. but i am guilty of trying to fall in love with an image a dream - something that can be tucked back into the dark and be brought out only when permitted. i am guilty of   letting you see me escape into my mind where he stays. & as you leave to clear your head i think perhaps it would be best if you became another boy in the corner of my mind. concealed in night you'd be another dream i could hold without breaking. but i am guilty of craving your saccharine lips and the music you create when you brush your fingers along my hipbones. how your smile is crooked open waiting patiently to say my name and bring a wave of warmth from my chest to the tips of my being. you are the sunlight i am guilty of needing.

For ENAMORAMOS for being un ángel