Lost in Battle. (Sequel To The Future That Can Be)

Ch. 14

I stayed silent as I sat by the fire, watching it dance around as I replayed in my head how Mordred looked as I...killed him. It was in the back of my head all the way until now, and I'm sure everyone else was thinking about it too. No one really spoke to me and we decided we all need to rest. But I couldn't.

"Merlin."

I looked up and at Lancelot as he sat beside me.

He looked at me, "You know... we've all killed a man. An enemy. You did nothing wrong."

I nodded as I looked away, "I know. I know what you mean but I still can't get over it. It was something completely different." I whispered as I unconsciously played with my scarf.

"Nobody thinks you were wrong. But hey, we didn't need him. Like we spoke of earlier, you will find him. You always do."

I sighed as closed my eyes and nodded, making myself believe Lancelot because it's what I want, to find him. My mind started to wander off and I heard Lancelot move around. I started to remember everything that had happened between Arthur and I from when we first met to recently. And I found myself speaking.

"I can't do it." I whispered making him stop moving. He stayed silent and still so I continued talking, "I can't be with him. Lance... he didn't want me here at first. He didn't protect me. He chose him over me. I know it's silly and I understand why you might be annoyed with me but, I was there for him. I protected him and I risked my life so many times for him yet... he didn't think twice of me," I looked over at Lancelot and he remained quiet, probably not knowing what to say, "I know. I know everything. I know he came looking for me. I know Morgana had contacted him before I left. I know he didn't stop thinking of me. I know I did wrong, trust me I do, but everything I did was for him. I even killed Mordred for him. Lance, Mordred was destined to kill Arthur. He was his doom. And I stopped it."

He didn't say a word as I stopped talking. I looked at the fire, rethinking my decision. Was it really the best thing to do? I wasn't sure. Maybe killing Mordred made me realize so many things that has turned my thinking into a mess. I wasn't sure if anything at the moment. Why was I so upset of killing someone who was destined to kill Arthur? Why was I being so emotional? Well, when am I not.

Lancelot placed his hand on my arm, giving it a light squeeze, "As I told you before, I will support you no matter what."

I looked at him and I nodded, "Thank you," I whispered, "Please don't tell anyone."

"I won't. Just like he didn't tell us that you were back."

I released a breath I didn't know I was holding in and I leaned against my friend, and I stayed close to him until I fell asleep.

Though sleep didn't last long. I was woken up by none other than Kilgharrah. I looked around and made sure everyone else was asleep before I walked off. I looked up at the dragon.

"I was sleeping."

"While Arthur is in danger?"

I shrugged, "He's strong. He can protect himself." Kilgharrah chuckled, "What's so funny?"

"Just... how stupid you are."

"Hey!"

He shook his head at me in disappointment as he usually does, "Stop trying to be someone you're not to push your feelings aside. You need to go look for him. He's near, trust me."

"Then you go get him."

I watched as he looked back at me and said nothing at first.

"Look, I'll find him. I'll take him back to Camelot. I will make sure he's safe, but I cannot stand by him after that."