Lost in Battle. (Sequel To The Future That Can Be)

Ch. 16

I groaned as I woke up the next morning, though it didn't feel like I slept at all. I sighed as I rubbed my face, and stayed in bed for a few seconds before getting up. I walked out of my room and saw Gaius wasn't around. I might've been harsh last night. He still left me breakfast, so I sat down and ate. I looked around and realized that this was Gaius' only home. I couldn't take him away from it, but I also couldn't leave him alone again. Sure, it happened long ago and they've clearly fixed everything, but still. I shook my head and decided to go talk to Uther now.

So I cleaned up and got dressed. I walked to the council chamber. The two guards looked at me and I asked to speak to Uther as he had mentioned to me the day before he wanted to. The guards let me in and Uther looked up from eating his meal, Morgana by her side.

"Merlin. I was about to call for you."

"My apologies for showing up before you did. My lord, I would like to speak in private, please."

Morgana nodded and she excused herself before walking to me. She gave my arm a light squeeze and smiled at me before heading out. I looked back at Uther.

"What is it?" He asked.

I didn't know where to begin. I wasn't sure anymore what it is I wanted to say, but I opened my mouth anyways.

"I know about Gaius. I know what you and Arthur did to him," he stayed silent as he watched me, "I presume he has forgiven you, that's if you even apologized. But, I am not comfortable leaving him alone. Promise me you won't hurt him ever again when I'm gone."

"You're leaving?" He stood up and walked towards me.

I nodded, "I plan on it. If not today then by tomorrow at sunrise."

He looked at me as he remained silent as if wanting to ask why. I felt he didn't want to, not wanting to share any emotions besides anger and disgust as he usually does.

"Promise me." I repeated.

He looked me straight in the eyes and nodded, "I promise. Thank you for everything, Merlin. You'll be missed. And if you ever need anything, you can always come back."

I was surprised at this words that I found myself quiet for a while. I cleared my throat and nodded, "Thank you, my lord."

I smiled and bowed before walking out. I sighed and walked back to my chamber. I needed to talk to Gaius but I bumped into Lancelot.

"Merlin."

"Lancelot."

"How are you feeling?"

I thought for a second of his question. How was I feeling?

"I think I'm alright. I just spoke to Uther."

He nodded, "Well, can we talk?" He asked me and I nodded.

We both walked to his own room. He closed the door behind him and I smiled as I looked around before back at him.

"Haven't been in here in so long."

"I know. Crazy." He chuckled softly, "Well...not really."

It was my turn to chuckle.

"So, what is it you wanted to talk about?"

He walked over to his bed and sat down, "I think you know."

And I did. Yesterday was a crazy day as well as the day before. I sighed and I sat beside him, crossing my legs as I faced him.

"I've been thinking about it, trust me. So much. I rarely slept because of that," I nibbled on my bottom lip, "I think I've made my choice. And I know he won't be happy with it, but.."

"Merlin, you can't leave. He needs you. We need you," he took my hand in his, "I need you"

I looked at him and I chuckled softly, "Sometimes... I wonder if when you confessed your feelings last time, were you being honest or was it all actually a plan you had with Arthur."

He didn't say anything so I looked up at him, my smile fading as I was mentally hoping he'd start laughing at my reaction. But he didn't.

He smiled at me, "I did love you, Merlin. I really did. You were the first person to believe I deserved a place as a knight of Camelot. And that was when I started having feelings. Of course, I noticed you love Arthur. Everyone noticed. So I decided to move on, but that doesn't mean I don't love you as a friend."

I watched his movements as he spoke, confessing everything to me in that moment. Why are men like this? I mentally rolled my eyes as I, too, am a man. Why are we like this?

"I wish you would've said everything sooner. Before Gwen. Before I realized my feelings for Arthur. Before you left after helping me save his life."

He looked at me just as I did him as he confessed. Yes, I was speaking my feelings. But I, just like him, knew it was too late. Way, too late.

"I need to talk to Arthur," I whispered and he nodded at me.

I leaned over and kissed his cheek gently before getting up from the bed and walked out of his room without a second glance. I leaned against the wall and I sighed as I closed my eyes. Everything in one day.

"What a great day." I sarcastically told myself.

I forced myself to continue walking and made my way to Arthur. I was getting nervous the whole way there. Speaking with Lancelot, even though not much was said, made me think. I knew if I left, I would miss him, Gaius, Gwaine, and everyone else. They all mean the world to me and I know it isn't fair for me to leave again as if nothing. So I kept thinking and thinking, yet I had no answer by the time I reached Arthur's door. I looked at it for a second as if wishing it would disappear so I wouldn't have to go through. It didn't. So I knocked on it.

"I told you! I don't want-"

I came face to face with Arthur as he yanked the door opened. He went silent for a second.

"Merlin. Oh, uh, come in."

I walked in and he closed the door, turning to me. I looked at him but remained silent. What could I say? How would I start this conversation?

"Merlin, I want to apologized. I never meant to hurt you in any way and all the things I did. To Mordred, to Gaius,"

"You shouldn't be forgiven for what you did to Gaius. He's been like a second father to you yet you... you behaved just like your own father. You thought only of yourself. Just like him."

He opened his mouth but said nothing as he nodded.

"And what you did to Mordred, it's nice to know how you would had treated me. Or will in the future."

"No," he shook his head as he stepped closer to me, "Never, in a million years, will I ever do something like that to you."

He was close. Too close. I could feel his breath on me. This was all too familiar.

"Arthur. I can't be around you." I whispered.

He shook his head once more, "No, Merlin. Please... don't leave me again. I'm nothing without you."

"That's not true."

"But it is."

I looked away from him because if I looked into his big, blue eyes, who knew what I would do or say.

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry for everything. For the way I behaved. For the way I treated you. For being a prat. A clotpole. And for not saying this earlier, way earlier, but Merlin, I love you. I love you so much."

I kept my gaze away from him for a few seconds before finally meeting his eyes. I could tell he wasn't lying to me. But I was so upset. Why did it take him so long?