sunrise | gd

lost cause

graysons pov

I felt so fucking horrible for yelling at her like that yesterday, for making her cry. she didn't deserve it at all. i guess I was just shocked because she's so new to me and she was on my phone.

the way she came and just snatched the cigarette out of my hand, it was just something about her in the moment.

no, not even just in the moment. it's from the beginning when i first met her at the game. she's confident and isn't afraid. and that's what i love.

id be lying if I said i felt no attraction towards her, because I do.

but the thing is, ive never been a relationship type of guy, and it seems like that's what she is after.

I would never be able to give her what she wants, we are so different. but maybe difference is good sometimes?

i don't know. i just don't want to jump into things I won't be able to continue on with. every girl I've been with has had her heart broken.

i end up dumping them for someone else, it's just what I've always done. jumping from girl to girl, using them.

Im not proud of it, but I can't help myself.

im just a lost cause.

she's a beautiful girl, full of personality and she wouldn't be fit with someone like me.

i mean look at it, she found out I was smoking a cigarette and she freaked out, imagine what will happen when she finds out about all the other things I've done.

fighting, drugs, binge drinking and carelessly hurting girls is my reputation back home.

the reason I got into all that reckless shit was because of something that hurt me a lot. my dad left my mum and I a few years ago. Turns out he had been cheating on her for years and years.

my mom and i moved here, to start fresh and get away from all that shit that she went through, and to get away from the shit that I was doing.

however, she was able to get away from the whole dad situation, but I'm still on the same shit. i got away from the people who had a bad influence on me, but I haven't gotten away with the fucked up shit I do.

I haven't changed.

I can't bare to be at home and see my mum grieve still till this day, it fucking hurts. so I tend to not stay at home much.

watching her completely be crushed killed me. so I thought that a great way to numb the pain of seeing my mother cry every single day would be to not give a fuck.

don't get me wrong, I love my mom and I care about her heaps. but I don't want to ever get attached to anyone like she did, because what if I end up getting hurt in the end.

i don't want to put myself through that. it's just better if I don't catch feelings that will destroy me.

i don't want charly to know about me, she will hate me. And I'm not saying I'm just going to use her and hurt her. But I guess I just can't control myself even if that does happen.

when I kissed her, I felt something. Not to be all cheesy and shit but I really did. the kiss was powerful.

it's just the way she is, always so intriguing and bubbly. the fact that she doesn't shut up and keeps trying to get my attention is hella cute.

i can't deny that we definitely have a connection like no other. she's really easy and open to talk to, and I find myself wanting to talk to her and be around her more and more every single day.

it hasn't been long since I met her, but I feel comfortable with her. it's just the vibe she gives off. easy going.

sunrises have become like "our" thing now. they are beautiful, just like her.

but the thing is, i can't trust myself. I can't commit to a relationship because I know that I have felt this way before with another girl. and I ended up hurting her as well.

I can't commit to a relationship because I never have, I'm just not good at it.

when she told me to stop smoking, I was being serious when I said I actually would.

i won't smoke anymore. i just needed a reason not to, and it seems like she is my reason.

if she wants to kiss a non smoker, then I won't smoke. i don't know why im even thinking about her so much in the first place.

i won't be able to give her what she wants, and it's kind of killing me. i want to give her what she wants, but I'm afraid i won't be able to.

i want to be the relationship type of guy, but I just can't. i want to fall in love with the girl I admire one day, but I don't think I'll be able to.

i have a really hard time opening up to people and letting them see my true self, because I have a fear. a fear of catching feelings too deep to the point where my happiness is dependent on that person.

and I don't want that. i don't want to depend on other person to make me happy. because if they decide to walk out of my life, then I'll have no happiness at all.

I believe that everyone deserves to be happy, one way or another.

as I lay in my bed, my hand reached in my back pocket and I pulled out my phone. my finger scrolled through my contacts until I came across her name.

she had put her number in my phone yesterday, when I freaked out and yelled at her.

all she was doing was putting her number in.

"i like talking to you charly" my fingers tapped away and i sent her the text.

then I turned off my phone and went to sleep.
or at least, tried to sleep. she was all over my mind which made the task impossible to do.

ive never felt this way so fast for someone, the way I feel for charly. and I'm scared that I'll crack and get close to her.

im scared that I'll fall in love.
scared that I'll fall in love with her.
____

hey babes! did you like this chapter? i really enjoyed writing it because I feel like it has a lot of deep messages in it that can be applied to the real world as well.

please vote for this book, i love you 💕