When I can drown in blood, I can lay on the ground !

Why dont you love me anymore?

It was dark and the night was cold. I couldn't sleep. Ivar hasn't slept in the same bed as me in weeks. He ignored me and gave me to understand that he was angry with me. He was angry that I would leave him in a few weeks.
Johann has become 3 and he was beautiful. You could communicate with him and he could walk. I didn't want to leave any of my men but I had to. It will make all our futures better.

"Mommy?" Johann said, waking me up. "Good morning." I kissed his forehead. "Mommy. swim?" He asked me exited. I looked outside. The sun was up and it was a lovely spring morning. "Yes. But first we have to eat." He hugged me, as a thank you before running to the table. "Wait here." I commanded, going out to get some eggs, to cook.

The water was cold but Johann didn't care. He wasn't scare of anything. I only held my feet in the water. People were working. When I noticed Jessica we waved at each other but I stopped when I saw Ivar standing at the shore watching us. I missed him. I missed his touch and smile. I missed his roughness but most of all I missed his eyes. His blue deep eyes. They were the first thing I saw and I always hoped they be the last. Who would have thought that something, Ivar himself did, would break us apart.
I was pulled out of Ivar intense stare when Hvitserk put an arm around me. "He thinks you wouldn't notice him but he's quite noticeable." Hvitserk stated. Hvitserk was now a married man and he had a child on its way. We both secretly hoped it would be a girl.
"I hate him, but I miss him so much." I said, stealing a glance. "He thinks exactly the same about you... why don't you talk? You leave soon." He asked quietly. I knew I had to talk to him. But when was the right time? The right time to talk with you love about leaving your family to get you kingdom back and maybe not even succeeding?
"I will."

I knocked on the wooden door of Ivars room. I somehow hopped he wouldn't be there, just to say 'I have tried' but I could hear him walk.
When he opened the door, he was in shock at first, but found himself quickly. "What can I do for you?" He asked me with no other emotion than disappointment. I didn't know how to approach him. "Can we talk?" I asked carefully.
He didn't answer but just opened the door so I could step in.
We both didn't say anything for a while.
"We miss you." Finally escaped my lips. The biggest secret I held poisoned in my own thoughts. He didn't answer me but I could see it in his eyes that he missed us too.
"I'm sorry but you know I will never chance my mind. I can't. I have to go even when it means to leave half my heart here with you...." my throat got tight. "It will give all of us a better future and we will have two Kingdoms and no enemies. You have to understand me. You did exactly the same a..." Ivar cut me of with a quiet yet harsh voice. "Why don't you love me anymore?" I was in shock. Did he really think I didn't love him anymore? Just because I wanted my kingdom back? and said some cruel things?
"W-what?" I didn't know what to say. Those 6 words hurt more then they should.
"W-why would you think that?" I asked fearful.
"You are going to leave me. You have left me 3 years ago. You have always left me and you will continue to do so." He stated.
"But I came back. I will always come back, Ivar." I assured him. I always came back and I would always come back. He's my home. He lives together, with Johann is my home, my heart.
"I will leave next week. I will make my brother sane again and I will come back with a kingdom and an army behind me. You have to forgive me, for wanting more. For wanting what you wanted before you became weak." He looked at me. Knowing I was right but hating to admit it.
He had to forgive me, so we could have a perfect and loving family life in the future. And when I told him he was weak, he knew why. Since 3 years he has been in a conflict with new Christians and hasn't done anything. He has become a man of thinking and not a man of fighting. It was both good and bad.
"Let us see how this will end." Even when the words weren't the exact words, but I knew what they meant.