When I can drown in blood, I can lay on the ground !

Days till the end

5 days till

We stud in front of a huge crowd of people. Lagertha, björn and I. My soldiers had arrived this morning, now waiting to hear what is to come.

"We will fight. With no grace and no sanity. We will! Struck everyone who is standing in our way. We will lose our humanity and find the darkness in us. Never in the last century will anyone fight as mighty as us... we will fight and we will win!"
They cheered, giving me their loyal respect.

"My queen? Could I talk to you?" I turned around to see my second in command, Ronald. "Of course." I looked at him. He knew I wouldn't be happy about what he was going to say.
"Ivar has found a woman." He announces leaving me speechless. "What?"
"He has married." My breath disappeared, but somehow my heart didn't chatter.
"Who?" I asked him.
"Freydis. Some girl."
I took a deep breath and looked around. We were alone in the big hallway.
"That poor thing. She will break his heart.... but thank you Ronald, I appreciate you honesty. Now do you know were Björn is?"
He bowed giving me a week smile. "He's in his chamber."
"Thank you."

I knocked on the huge wooden door, which was leading into Björns room. "Come in!" He yelled. I went inside. He looked at me confused.
"What can I do for you?" He asked me walking closer to me. "What are you doing right now?" I asked back. "Nothing important."
I looked around in the room. There wasn't a lot of decoration and it rather looked like a bears cave in the woods.
"Want to train?" I asked him. I miss the training. The training with others.

"Now is the queen ready?" Hvitserk said with a huge grin. "Always!"
Hvitserk looked at me. His fist tight against his sword. I took fast my daggers out from my belt and smiled. Oh how I have missed it, to fight. Everything happened so fast. His sword was flaying beautiful smooth in the air and my daggers followed his trade.

"Faster!" I commanded as we fought. The swords were hitting each other. I was always scared that they would break, but it never happened.
"You go faster!" He yelled back with a huge smile. It looked good on him.
We were both out of breath. We moved Forth and back. Forth and back. Every movement meant to be.
Until I got him pushed up against a wall, with my sword pressed till his torso. "You dead." I said and wanted to turn around. But, he took my arm and pulled me around, so I was the one pressed up against the wall. I was shocked and confused. Until he kissed me. It was hard and somehow wrong. But we are both for need of affection and there is nothing wrong with that.

Right?

4 days till

If I would look back at my life, I would never have thought it will be the way it was. who would have known I would experience so many different feelings.

"when I'm grown, I wanna be queen. Like mom." I smiled, looking at my brother. "just like her?" he asked. we were sitting on the floor of the great hall. it was cold and smelled of fresh meat. mother and father were in the discussion room, as we called it. "shes nice and everybody admires her. don't you want to be like dad?" I asked him. "never! has he ever shown you any love. Has he ever made the people wanted or safe. You have not been outside, on the market yet. but who knows what will happen in the future." he explained.

and just like he said. everything came differently. he overtook the role of a weak man, while I became, everyday, the pure image of my father.

I wish it would have come differently. I wish I wouldn't have wanted to be queen again. I wish Ivar wouldn't have taken my son away. I wish I wouldn't have been so cruel and I wish I wouldn't have overreacted. I sometimes wish I wouldn't have planned a war against the man I love. But now it was too late and I will not give in.

I was laying in Björns room. he was still asleep, while I was wide awake thinking about my life decision's. I do not like my life story. there were good moments. but, in all, I hate my life.

I took my horse and went into the forest. the wind in my hair. The cold wind in my face. it reminded me of the beginning. 

...The wind was cold but the sun warm. The mixture on the skin was nice. The wind was blowing through my hair. We rode over fields and in woods, until I was getting late and the sun went down...   

how was I ever supposed to be happy again? after I have killed the love of my life? after giving kattegat to Björn? will I even be able to find my son? maybe, I will become happy, if I die in the war? I have the weak heart of my brother, if not weaker.

"brrrr. It's okay." I whispered to Misha. I was extremely thankful, that after all these years, he was still alive and with me. I went off him. and wrapped the leach around my hand. "Lets walk a bit, love." I kissed him on the muzzle. "you are getting old and I'm getting lonely." we walked through the trees. deeper into the dark forest. the sun had a hard time getting threw the trees. "I have had a long life. with many difficulties. but you, you have made it a bit easier, and I thank you for that." my eyes catches the glimpse of a big branch. "you see that, baby. that could be the end."    I went closer to the branch, on the big tree. I took out the rope. It felt hard and raw. "this is how everything could end. this is how I would finally become happy."

what else could I do?

3 days till

Ivar's P.O.V

It had happened again. I was holding my son. but what I saw was what I didn't want to see. He would never have been able to survive. He wasn't able to feed. That was not my child. he could never have been. It had nothing to do with the gods.

I laid him in the forest. he was food for the foxes. It didn't feel as horrible as with my first son. But this one: he was sick. Disabled. He would have died anyway.

Freydis had been yelling at me, throwing cups and yet I couldn't be bothered. At all. I loved her. But she was getting on my nerves. Lilith never did. I hated the fact that she always came back into my mind. Slipping through the broken cracks. Every once in a while, I felt myself imagine my life if she would still be here. I was mad. Always have been. But she left, leaving me broken, in the fact I wasn't enough.
People were scared of me, they feared their king and that's how it should be. No one is going to kneel in front of a king they love, they would use him.

Freydis was giving me the silent treatment, and I couldn't care less. I looked at her cleaning, while I sat on my wooden throne with meat in my left hand.
"Leave." I commanded but she didn't move, just looked at me with a sad expression.
I groaned. Pushing myself up. Leaving.

I walked slowly. Everyone saying "king" or "hail king Ivar". It wasn't giving me the feeling it use to. But it was better than "prince" or "Ragnar son". I had reached my goal. No one cared for Ragnar no more.

I reached the mountain with the huge grey stone. I sat down. Remembering. Here I sat when my parent died. Here I sat when I lost everything. Here I sat whenever I was angry. Here I sat when I gave my first born away. Here. Right here was a place no one could reach me.

I should be satisfied. I should be happy. I had achieved all my goals. I'm king. More famous then Ragnar. I got respect and feared. I have a wife and yet, there is something I'm missing.
And I'm hating the feeling not knowing.