When I can drown in blood, I can lay on the ground !

Memories

I had not been talking the whole morning, just listening the the swords clinging, people yelling and strategies trades. A surprise attack on Kattegat was planned and I do not know how to feel about it. On one side good, as we probably will win, but on the other hand .... I could lose him. Again. Even though he was never mine. Many times, many years ago, I dreamed of us: laying in bed. His arm around mine. A smile on our lips. Our child playing on the floor, with small figures he had built. No war and no worries.
But now it was a blurred image. Something so far away from reality it hurts.
My mind was drifting and my fingers twisting around my knife, I had not heard Björn approaching. "Have you slept?" He asked with his deep voice. I threw my knife in the air and catches it gently again. It always brought me back, to my first visit, as I and all the brothers went into the woods to train. As we all were young and innocent.
As I did not answer a deep growl escaped his mouth and I went down beside me.
"Are you seriously still feeling bad for him!?" He asked in disbelief and annoyance. I rolled my eyes. "Why don't you?" I asked back after a moment of silence. My heart was aching to belong, and in my whole life I had never felt more home than with Ivar.
"Why should I? He is mad." Björn hissed. I could clearly hear his anger. "I know that you are the rightful ruler of Kattegat, that's why I am helping you. But he is still you brother, just blinded by the power and his mind." I stated. I understood how Björn felt no mercy or sympathy for his younger brother. Björn is the firstborn, rightful ruler. He has proven more than once that he is a true warrior. I admire his strength and patience for all he has lost to come back.
"You are blinded! He doesn't love you. He has only hurt you, how can you be so stubborn and not see that he deserves to die. You have become weak Lilith. Weak as a woman. The warrior and queen inside of you has disappeared...!" He was now standing in front of me. His arms spread like a angry bear.
my anger grew and I could feel my blood pumping through my veins. What he said was wrong. He loved me. No matter what we have done, a place in our hearts will always be open for the other. I closed my eyes for a small second and all the times where we were completely happy, showed themselves:

• The way he looked at me. It was like I felt something for the first time, that was real.

• „You just turned my whole world woman."

• And then there was someone screaming. A little baby. A little angel. A mix of me and Ivar. My first kid. Our first kid.  - I looked at Ivar who, I could swear, had tears in his eyes.

• "I love him more then words can describe and I loved him even more when he gave me you, my son."

I came back to reality. Björn still in front of me.  I took my knife. Holding it tight, before jumping up, pressing björn against the wall and holding my knife to his throat. People started to look, some warriors even pulled their swords. Our breaths were heavy and the anger had become adrenaline.
"Listen to me old man. You should be careful what you say to me. Years have may past and things have changed, but trust me when I say: I can still kill you in less then a heartbeat." I hissed. I pressed my knife harder to his throat, so blood was showing, just to push my statement towards the truth. His facial expression showed nothing but with his arms rising I could sense fear. "Apologize!" I hissed in a whisper. Pressing the knife even harder. A hiss escaped his lips. "You need me Björn ironside. Apologize!" I said slightly louder. It took a moment for Björn to convince himself.
"Im sorry." As soon as he said the words, I pulled back my knife, pulled out a piece of fabric and placed it on the small cut. I hit his arm, before leaving him standing.

All I ever wanted was love. I had it, lost it and the chance of getting it back in this story, seems fragile.