Till we break

Normal Day

It was Thursday and the second week after vacation ended.
I was trying not to fall asleep during Mr Finnegan’s history monolog. I had absolutely no clue what he was talking about, but fortunately the bell rescued me from the crushing boredom and announced the end of my school day.

“Rachel, I would like to talk to you.”
I sighed and looked at Selena: my best friend.
“I’ll wait outside.” She said and I nodded, then turned to my history teacher after the classroom had emptied.
“Yes?” I asked him.
“Look, I don’t know what is bothering you, but I want you to listen to my lectures. I watched you, Rachel.”
Damn, why was he repeating my name so often? It made me feel even more insecure. “So, this is a warning?”
“Indeed.” He nodded. “You’ll better not be sleeping in my lessons again.”
“I wasn’t… Ugh, doesn’t matter.” ‘It’s pointless’ I added in my thoughts.
“You can go now. Goodbye.” Mr Finnegan said.
“Goodbye.” I replied and left the room.
I looked around. Selena should be here somewhere, but the hallway was empty. Then I checked my phone.
“Sorry, my mom called me and I really had to go. Important stuff. XOXO Selena”
I sighed and went to the stairs.
A few younger students crossed my way. One of them was just starring at me, and as I was right in front of them he said: “Your arms look ugly.”
“Problem with that?” I replied.
“You shouldn’t be here.” Said the other boy.
“You mean like ‘it’ should be on a graveyard?” giggled the girl.
“Fuck you.” I whispered and walked away from them and left the building. They ran after me.
“Hey!” shouted the girl. “Wait, we’re not done with you.”
I took a deep breath before I stopped and turned around. “Now just shut up and leave me alone. You kids have no clue about me, what I had been going through and still am. Go annoy yourselves. I’m just done of hearing that I should be dead or kill myself or whatever.”
They didn’t say anything and I went to my bike. A tear rolled down my cheek. “Fuck” I whispered. Then I rode home.

This was quite a normal school day for me. Since I decided to not hide my scars anymore, the bullying had become a bit less, but of course I got bullied for them too.
Some students just starred at my arms like they had never seen a scar before. Others made stupid jokes around me.
The teachers always looked at me with a sad face, sometimes it seemed like they were telling me that they had never thought that I, a very good student and the ‘rebel’, could ever harm myself.
I had started when I was 13 years old.
I had started to cut because I hated my skin, my body, my appearance.
I hated to be what I am. My soul was trapped in a wrong vessel. I was a boy in a girl’s body.
I had known since I was a little child, but even though I always appeared like a boy, my parents never gave a damn.
When I was twelve, I told them. They laughed at me and said: “Sweetie, it’s just a phase. You’re our little girl.”
I sighed. I didn’t like to remember that day.

I arrived at home and unlocked the door. No one was there, like always. In my room I threw my bag in a corner and let myself fall on my bed. It was the exact same as every other day.
“Why am I even doing this? Each and every day… No matter what I do and how hard I try, it gets worse and worse.” I cried. “It’s just pointless.”
I called Selena. She didn’t pick up.
“Shit…”
I felt so alone and cried even more until I was so tired of crying that I fell asleep.