Till we break

Thinner - Dinner

Leonard’s mom made a delicious meal. She was a very good cook and her husband and son seemed to love her food. I only pretended to like it. This was way more than I allowed myself to eat and I thought about my intake of the last week. Maximum 300 calories per day. My thoughts were racing and I wanted to scream.
‘Stop eating! Stop! Stop! Throw up! Stop! Throw up! You’re too fat! You’re not allowed to eat! Stop! Now! Throw up!’ That’s what I heard in my head. I wished these voices would shut up and leave me alone.

I ate fast. I wanted it do be done and so I was the first who was ready with eating.
“Do you want a second serving, Aiden?” Mrs Morris asked as she saw me empty plate.
“No, thank you.” I said nervously.
“Did you enjoy your meal?”
“Yes, of course. It was great.” I lied and stood up. “I’ll be right back, I need to go to the restroom.”
In the restroom, I turned the radio on, so that no one would hear me throwing up. Shit.
I discovered a scale: 101lbs, and  my height was 5’6’’.
I wanted, no, I needed myself to weigh less than 100lbs.
I was disgusting.

A few moments later, after I had washed my face and hands, I went back to the kitchen and sat back at the table.
Leonard looked at me, it seemed like he was trying to warn me about something, then his dad started to talk. “So, Aiden, why don’t you tell us something about yourself? We are curious about the friends of our son, we don’t often get to meet them.”
“That’s an amazing way to say, I don’t have many friends. Thanks.” Leonard said with a little bit of sarcasm in his voice.
I looked alternately at Leonard and his father.
“Well,” I said carefully, “as you already know, I am Aiden and I’m 16 years old, turning 17 in a month. Leonard and I are going to the same school, but we’re not in the same class.” I yawned. “Sorry.”
“You’re tired?” Leonard asked, and the way he said it told me, he needed an excuse to go back to his room.
“Yes, pretty much.”
He looked at his parents and they nodded.
Leonard stood up and left and I followed him.

Back in Leonard’s room I let myself fall in his bed. It smelled like him.
“You don’t need to pretend to be tired anymore.” He grinned.
“I threw up after eating.” I said slowly.
He sat next to me. “Are you okay? Stomach pain? Do you need something? Maybe I’ll bring you some tea?” Leonard was worried and spoke rapidly.
“I’m bulimic.” I said, sat up and searched his eyes. He seemed to be even more worried now.
“Oh my God, that’s horrible. How are you feeling?”
“Better and worse. Purging feels good, but makes me feel bad.”
“What if you wouldn’t throw up?”
“I’d hate myself even more.”
“Is it because you dislike your body?”
“I don’t know. I don’t eat much, because I want to lose weight.”
“But y-you are skinny already.” He paused. “Or wait, it has to do with you being trans*, is that correct?”
“It is…” I said. “Please don’t worry, Leo.”
He hugged me. “I do worry about you. You don’t deserve this. You deserve to be happy, not depressed. You should be able to like yourself, not to hate yourself and be dysphoric. You should be healthy, not starving and purging. You should be able to make peace with yourself, not war.”
I shook my head. “That is not possible. It’s too complex.”
“It is complex, yes, but it’s mutually dependent. I believe that everything will get better if you find a solution for one thing.” He looked into my eyes.
I turned my head away. “Perhaps you are right.”
Leonard laid a hand on my cheek and softly turned my head back. I felt myself blush.
“I am.” He said. “I want to help you, I want you to be safe.”
“Why do you care so much about me?”
“Because I… I love you. You are… My friend. You are… One of… The most important persons in my life. I can… can’t live… Without you. I n…need you.”
A tear was rolling over his cheek. “I love you, Aiden.”
“I love you too, Leo.” I whispered and hugged him. “Thanks for being my friend.”
“I’ll always be.” He kissed my forehead and blushed, then he shrugged. “Oh my gosh, I’m… I’m… I’m sorry. Did I exceed your frontiers?”
I shook my head. “No. It’s okay. An insignificant kiss, right?”
Why did I say that?
“Y…yes. J…just a little in…significant k…k…kiss on the forehead.”