Till we break

Loss of Control

The next morning my dad woke me up. He made breakfast for me and then left me alone. I made myself a coffee and ate.
I was so tired, I could barely keep my eyes open, so I drank a second coffee.
I felt like Monday, even though it was Friday.
I unlocked my phone and send Selena a message: “Sorry for yesterday, it’s nothing personal.”
A few minutes later she replied: “No worries, it’s okay. You going by bike today?”
“Yeah, like always.”
Then I texted Leonard. “Good morning, I forgot to message you yesterday. Aiden”

I walked to the mirror on my wall. My clothes looked way to big for me, but this way no one could see my female body. Including myself. I smiled softly and for a short moment there was a sparkle in my dead steel blue eyes.
My black hair was tousled.
“Okay?” I asked my reflection.
“Okay.” I replied to myself.
“You’re stupid!” I told the mirror.
“Yes, I am.” I whispered to myself.
I shook my head. I had no clue why was talking to myself like this. But I just did this some mornings.

I walked out of the house and saw Selena waiting there. A few steps later the sun blinded me and I raised my hand protectively.
“Morning, Dracula.” Laughed Selena.
“Morning, mortal.” I tried to sound serious, but I couldn’t hide the sarcasm in my voice. “How are you?”
“Tired, but good. You?”
“Exhausted. Life’s exhausting.”
“Unless you enjoy it.” She mumbled.
“There’s nothing enjoyable.” I said and got my bike. “Let’s go.”
We didn’t talk on our way.
As we arrived at school almost no one was around. I concluded that the school bus hasn’t arrived yet.

“You wanna wait for someone?”
I had been staring at the street for a few minutes and Selena seemed to wonder about that.
“For the bus, “ I said, “to not walk in alone.”
Actually I wanted to wait for the bus to see if Leonard would be in it.
“I have to go to the principal.”
She waited a moment, and I didn’t want to wait here alone so I turned to her and then we went inside.
Selena talked with the principal and then we walked on the hallway to our classroom.
No one was there except for Mrs Taylor, she was teaching math.
“Good morning.” We greeted her.
“Good Morning. Oh, Mrs Pierce,”
Mrs Taylor always used surnames.
She came to me, “I wrote your parents Emails and letters, but they’re not answering, so would you tell them that I want to have a talk with them.”
“S… Sure. “ I wasn’t bad at math, so why would she want to talk to my parents? “May I know why?”
“They can tell you afterwards.”
Sigh. Talking with this woman was barely possible.
She turned away and I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket.
Leonard had replied. “Good Morning, Aiden. It’s okay. I  didn’t have had time for messages yesterday, so no worries. Nice to hear from you ”
I typed a quick reply: “Okay, how are you today?”

The hours went by slowly and I was so tired after it was finally over.
Selena and I walked to our bikes and talked about our plans for the weekend.
She and her mom would be visiting her grandpa.
I had nothing to do for the weekend, I probably would be spending a lot of time with myself in my room.
We rode to my house and after we said goodbye, she rode home and I went inside.

I made myself some instant mashed potatoes. Then I went to my room and tried to sleep a bit, it didn’t work, but at least I could rest.
Out of a sudden I opened my drawer and felt the urge to cut. I would be lying if I said that I tried not to grab my blades.
I didn’t think about what I was doing.
Only after I was done with cutting I realized how stupid I had been again.
I bandaged my arm and then got lost somewhere in my dark thoughts.