Till we break

Today

Friday. I woke up and my head ached terribly. I had a hangover.
“Fuck.” I grumbled.
My mom came in. “Good Morning, Sweetie.”, she sang.
“Morning.” I said.
Against my will I stood up. On my last day I would still be going to school. I was a moron.

In the big break I met Selena and Kira in the cafeteria.
“Yesterday was horribly awesome.”, Kira said.
“If you don’t mind the hangover.”, I said.
Selena laughed quietly.
A few younger boys walked along our table, then one of them turned around and spit on me. “Freak.”, he added then.
Another boy gave him a fist bump. “Nice one! We gotta show it, what’s its value.”, he laughed.

“Don’t listen to them.” Selena said as they were gone.
Easier said than done. It hurt. And such things happened too often to just ignore them. It was too much for me.
“I won’t.”, I lied.
It was impossible for me to just not listen to them. They were right. I was a worthless piece of shit and just a thing, easily replaced by anyone else.
I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t let anybody see me crying in school, so I hid my face behind my hands and took a deep breath.
“You alright?”, Kira asked.
‘No, I’m just done with everything, and tonight, when my parents leave to go on a trip over the weekend, I’ll take seeds which contain ricin. That will kill me in the most agonizing way I can imagine. It’ll take up to 36 hours until I’m finally dead and there is no antidote, does that sound like I’m alright?’
“Yeah, just gimme a moment.”, I said instead.

After school I walked home alone and I took an extra long way, I needed to get my head clear. I ended up in the park where Leonard and I had met the first time on purpose. I missed him. And the only thing I was sad about, that I couldn’t see him again.
I unlocked my phone and opened my messenger. The message from Wednesday still wasn’t delivered. I wondered when they would drive back.
After I had just stood there for a while, I turned off my phone and walked home.
It was around 6 pm when I finally arrived home.
“Where have you been?”, my mom asked as I came in.
“On a walk.”, I replied.
“You didn’t leave a note.”
I pointed at my bag on my back. “I haven’t been home till now.”
She nodded. “Your father and I are going to leave in half an hour.”
“Okay.”, I said and went to my room.
I sat on my bed and stared at my drawer, where I had hidden the seeds and I just waited for my parents to leave.

Finally, my parents came into my room and said goodbye. I smiled at them and wished them a nice weekend.
They were a bit surprised by my good mood, but of course they had no clue and didn’t asked any questions.
They left my room and as they closed my door I opened the drawer and poured all seeds in my hand and waited for the door to fell shut. It felt like eternity until I finally heard that redeeming sound.