Till we break

Choice

On Saturday evening I was home again. I sat alone in my room and thought about Leonard, I missed him.

He had told me, that he wouldn't be here from Monday till Friday, a class trip. I wasn't looking forward to be a week without him, it made me feel more depressed.

On Monday I went to school, and to my therapist again.

"How do you feel?" Mrs Barkley asked.

"Lonely." I replied. "And empty, and still torn."

"Do you really wanna quit?"

"I don't know!" I almost yelled. "It's just - I don't know what to do. Everything's going down and I can't help it."

"You can, and I can help you. So, what makes your life so hard these days?"

"Everything! I'm having problems with my parents. Selena and I seem to lose contact and I'm in love with someone I can't have, cause he's already in a relationship. If any, I'm everyone's 2nd choice."

"What makes you think that?"

"No one chooses me over someone else."

"Don't you think, there are people who really like you, maybe love you and would sacrifice themselves for you?"

"I would sacrifice myself for the guy I love, but I don't think someone would do that for me."

"Who are you talking about?"

"Leonard."

"As far as I know you two are good friends, right?"

I nodded. "Yes."

"Maybe you should just tell him, make everything clear and find a solution."

"But he could let me down. I couldn't stand loosing him!" I paused. "He's my everything; and my cure."

"So being with him helps you?"

"Yeah." I said. "But it's hurting too, the fear."

"When is the next time you'll see each other?"

"Theoretically on Friday." I didn't tell her that I didn't know if I would make it to hold on till then.

"So, then it's your task until Friday to find a way, to cope with your problems, when Leonard isn't there. What coping mechanisms can you think off?" She looked expectantly at me.

"Writing I guess. Writing texts and poems and songs. Talking to myself, just to have my mind put in words. Not cutting till -" Till I break, I thought. " till it's alright, somehow."

"That sounds good." Mrs Barkley smiled.

"Anything else? Maybe like talking to someone you can trust?"

"There are not many. You, Leo, and sometimes, in rare phases, myself."

"Well you can call me anytime, but maybe it's better to have a friend, you can count on, maybe someone you didn't expect to be trustworthy. Keep your eyes open and search for the right people." She said and looked at the clock. "Unfortunately, our time is up. Next time in 2 weeks."

I nodded.

"See you, Aiden.".

"Bye." I said.

I walked home, and it was raining. I thought about how I could kill myself and then I walked along a nursery.

Wonder tree seeds. They contain ricin which is poisonous, actually 100% deadly with no antidote.

I was so glad, I had just learned that last year in biology.

Friday. My parents were going to leave on Friday and wouldn't come back till Sunday night. Perfect.

I went into the nursery and bought some sachets.

It was a little frightening, but it felt right. I was doing the right thing.