Till we break

Writing

'I'm falling. Falling deep into this abyss.'

I sighed and let my pen fall down.
"I can't do that. Putting in to words how I feel? Who does even care? I'm just wasting my time."
I let my head fell on my desk and closed my eyes. "But... I always do. Come on, Aiden. You need to to get rid off the chaos in your mind."
I grabbed my pen and continued writing.

'There is no hand reaching for me. I cry and scream for help, but it's pointless. Everyone is gone now. They were too scared to fall down, they want to stay safe and so they let me fall. And I fall deeper and deeper.
I'm going crazy, I'm feeling so alone. All I got is pain. It hurts deep inside. Emptiness hurts. Because there's nothing to heal me.
When will I hit the ground? Will it be the end? My end?
I don't want to suffer anymore, I want to escape, no, I need to.'

I put the pen away. I couldn't think of anything else but I still wanted to write.
I thought about writing something about emptiness and pain.
"That's it!" I had an idea and started to write.

'I'm empty inside.
How to cry? How to smile? How to freak out?
I'm sitting on the floor, it's cold in this big empty hall. My body is shaking.
I put my hands on the floor, it's covered with cullets. They cut my fingers, I see them turning red but I don't feel any pain.
I get back on my feet, I walk barefoot over the glass. I feel it on my skin, I feel the blood dripping, but again there is no pain.
I take one cullet. Even though my fingers are still bleeding, they don't stain it.
Shattered glass from the ceiling on the floor, tangible; but I only have one fragment in my hand.
I close my fingers around it, now it gets stained dark red. Blood is dripping on the floor.
I take a deep breath and walk on. The path behind me is stained in the darkest red.
My blood but not my pain.
A bottle on the floor, not broken, filled with liquid. I take a swig. I don't taste what this is but it's warming up my throat.
I empty the bottle and throw it away, more cullets on the floor; shattered.
I walk further and further, I stumble and fall on the floor.
Glass on my face, my neck, my arms and my legs.
It opens my skin, even under my clothes.
I bleed painless.
Why is there no pain?
What is hurting without pain?
I stand up.
I feel dizzy, the walls are moving.
I stumble again but I stay on my feet.
The cullet in my hand falls to the ground, it splits.
It feels like I'm passing out but I stay on my feet.
I slowly grab another cullet and damage my skin;
This time I don't bleed but I feel the pain all over my skin, all from inside.
I cry, I smile, I feel alive.'

I was okay with that, but I still felt something bothering me, my suicidal thoughts. I wanted to end my life. Giving up seemed so easy to me.
I felt so much pain and desperation. In my eyes living was just pointless, there was no reason to keep on going.
"What if I give up?" I whispered to myself. "I could kill myself right now and no one would be able to stop me right now.

'Lost in thoughts; trapped in loneliness.
What am I doing here?
I don't know, never mind.
A look in the mirror, who am I?
Loosing the ground beneath my feet.
Want someone who holds me.
Want someone who catches me.
Closing my eyes, sitting down on the floor, listening to my mind.
Hearing selfhate. Self destruction. Doubts. Dysphoria. Fear. Anger. Despair. Eating habits. Friendship. Love. Hate. Past. Future.
Present. Life. Death.
What am I doing here? Existing, breathing.
What means giving up?
What if I'm on the verge of giving up?
Everything's pointless anyway.
Opening my eyes.
Broken heart. Still beating. Feeling the heartbeat.
What for?
Shattered mind like glass. Shambles.
Broken. Stained blood red.
What means giving up?'