Till we break

Give Up and Try

It was last day of Christmas vacation. Selena texted me: “Hey, how are you?”
“Fine😁 You?” It was so easy to lie.
“Same. Did we have homework to do?”
“🤷‍♂️Not sure. Don’t think so. I don’t wanna go to school again.”
“Me neither, but we don’t have a choice. Anyway, I wanted to apologize for not texting you in the last days. I’ve been at Kira’s”
I wanted to type ‘Why are you telling me that?’, “It’s ok. See ya tomorrow😘”
“See ya😘”

She went offline. I decided to text Leonard. We hadn’t talked much during the vacations. He had been celebrating Christmas with his boyfriend at his parents house.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” I typed.
A few moments later he replied. “Neither good nor bad and confused because of that. What about you?”
“I’m depressed.. and I had some hard days.”
“Want to tell me about it?”
For one moment I wasn’t sure if I should tell him. I should. “Had to spent time with my family… Was absolutely sickening. I didn’t eat much, and I purged. I’m always feeling the urge to cut and I can’t say that I really tried to resist.” I hesitated before I sent that. And right in that moment I heard my mom calling. “Rachel! Kitchen, now!”
“I’m coming.” I said.
“Gotta go, my mom…” I typed quickly and then I went to the kitchen.

“What’s up?” I asked my Mom.
“Make yourself something for dinner. Your Dad and me are going out tonight. It won’t be late.”
“What is it with you going out so often this year?” I asked and right after I said it, I wished, I hadn’t.
“Aren’t we allowed to?”
“I didn’t mean that.”
She shot me a look and then left the room. “Good night, sweetie.”

I heard the door closing and went to my room. Without thinking I took my blades and positioned it on my artery.
It could be ended so easily right now. The only thing I needed to do was to slash my wrist and everything would be alright, finally. No more pain, no more suffering. My hand was shaking and I had started crying. Soon my vision was blurry and I threw the blade on the floor.
“I… I just can’t.” I wiped my tears away. “I’m so weak.” I couldn’t stop crying and just felt so pathetic.

My phone vibrated. It was Leonard. I had totally forgotten to text him again. And I hadn’t been online the last two hours.
“Okay.

Aiden? Are you there?

Everything okay? I’m worried”
I sniffled and and took a deep breath.  “Yeah, sorry. I’m having a breakdown.”
He was still online. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m don’t think you wanna hear that.”
“I just wanna help.”
I sighed. “I wanted to give up.”
“What do you mean?”
“Giving up on life. But I’m too weak to kill myself.”
“Oh my God, Aiden, did you just try to commit? Tell me you really didn’t do anything! I’m so worried.”
“Yeah… No, I didn’t have the guts. I’m crying.”
“I’m coming around.”
“But it’s already nighttime.”
“Don’t care. I’m coming, taking care of you, protecting you from yourself.”

Ten Minutes later the doorbell rang and I stood up and opened the door. Leonard was standing there, he must have rushed.
“He –“ He interrupted me by hugging me tightly.
“Don’t do anything stupid, please.” He whispered and his voice sounded like he had been crying.
“I’m sorry.” I replied.

He stayed the whole night. We sat on my bed and talked, which means he talked most of the time and I listened.
Later we heard my parents coming home and turned of the light in my room and stayed silent until we didn’t hear them anymore.
I felt my eyes closing and then my head fell on Leonard’s shoulder. That was the last thing I remembered before I fell asleep.