Till we break

Falling Deep

Life never changed. Maybe it never will.
I didn’t know what to do with my life. I didn’t know what to do at all.
Everyday seemed just so pointless, and all I could do was making it through the days and with each passing day, I became more and more desperate. I couldn’t believe that things would become any better someday. It only got worse.
I didn’t have any clue how I made it through the vacations, but I did. Selena and I talked and somehow everything was alright between us again, that helped me, somewhat.
Besides that I spent an awful lot of time with my whole family. It was exhausting. There were just too many, and I was just, well, I only was one, alone, and they really were good company to each other, but not for me.
I couldn’t stand their presence for longer than an hour.
Also I was so overwhelmed by eating in front of all of them. I threw up afterwards and I hated myself for that.
I hated myself for everything I did and didn’t, and for what I was and wasn’t.
I was filled with so much hatred.
The world was no place for me, I didn’t belong here anyway, just an extra on this planet. That’s what I thought, what I felt.

My parents told me I should be happy to have a good life, in a good place.
If it only was that easy.
I couldn’t just be happy about what I got, because what I got was depressing.
No matter what I tried or what I did, it ended up being a catastrophe and I felt bad about it. There was nothing I could do right. I couldn’t help anybody; not as myself and not as all the kind of people I tried to be.
The only thing I could do to make them happy is to leave this place: this town, this country, this world.

My existence was a total failure, a ‘desastre’, like my Grannie would say.
People around me made me feel like a failure, treated me like shit, made me think I was good for nothing, and well, I was. I wondered why I even was alive. It would have been better to not even being born.
That would have made my parents life easier, but not only theirs, everyone else’s I had to do with too.
I was a horrible person.

Everyone told me to move on, to never give up, but what’s the point of moving on?
I didn’t believe life was worth the suffering. If anything, life was worth to end. I wanted it to end. My life was just pointless.
I thought about how I could kill myself.
I had many possibilities and I realized that I really was creative. I smiled about that.