Till we break

Torn

The next day wasn’t great. My parents found out, I skipped school, the principal called them and it didn’t need a professional to tell that they were mad.
I felt bad. Every time something good happened in my life, the next bad thing followed straight away. This was basically the story of my life.

“Fuck life! Fuck the world! Fuck everything!” I screamed into the sky. I had just exited the house. It was terribly cold; like my heart. My heart was ice cold. I was cold, and empty.
“Fuck my life.” I whispered.

I walked to school and thought about myself. At some time I had lost myself, I couldn’t feel myself anymore. There was nothing left.
I wondered who would care if I killed myself and who would visit my funeral.
The imagination of my own funeral was satisfying, somehow. It was because I wanted to be dead, maybe I should be.
Were there people who would care? Selena? She had Kira. If I died, she wouldn’t be alone. Unfortunately, Kira seemed to be more important to Selena than me. And what about Leo?
We were good friends, maybe best friends, but he had his boyfriend.
It was always like that. The people I liked had someone else more precious to them.
I was just a nobody. I could leave and everyone could just continue with their lifes. My existence was pointless.

It began to snow. I sighed and looked at the sky. Tiny white snowflakes falling to the ground. What if I would fall from the sky?
I imagined myself lying on the ground; in pieces, blood splashing, organs and flesh laying on the floor.
The imagination made me gag. So this was not an option.
I arrived at school. Selena was standing on the court and as she saw me, she walked over to me.
“Hey, Aiden! Where were you yesterday?” she asked.
I hesitated. “I was at home. I had been a bit sick during the holidays and needed to rest one last day, but I skipped school coz my parents didn’t want me to stay home.”
“I see. How are you?”
“Tired. You?”
“Okay, I guess.”
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
She turned her face to the right and shook her head. “My mom.” Selena replied, “Well, we argued and she had a heart attack and is in the hospital, everything seems to be alright so far.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do for you?”
“Dunno. It’s kinda okay.”
I nodded and looked up to the sky again. It was still snowing.
Selena laid her head on my shoulder and I looked at her again.
“How are you, Aiden? Besides being tired.” She asked worried.
“I’m not sure. I feel empty.” I said.
“Will you be okay?”
“Probably, I will, I guess.” I couldn’t make a clear statement. I was torn between living and dying, but technically, I had already set my mind.
She nodded. “Talk to your therapist.”
“I will.” I whispered.

I had therapy after school.
My therapist sat opposite me at the table. Her name was Leila Barkley and she had a notepad laying on her lap and pen in on the table. She grabbed it.
“How have you been the last weeks?”
“Not good, except for yesterday.”
“What was yesterday?”
“A good friend of mine had been at my house and we played truth or dare, it was really funny and enjoyable. I felt sort of free.” I said.
“So your friend – what’s their name?”
“Leonard.”
“So you felt free with him, why so?”
“Erm, well.” I began, “I was able to turn my head off and was free from bad thoughts and feelings for a while, until he left again.”
“And what did you feel and think instead?”
“I felt happy, I guess. I’m not sure, but whatever it was, it felt good. And basically I thought, that I never wanted this day to be over, I wanted it to last for ever. But of course, that’s not possible.”
“That is true, but that doesn’t mean you can’t repeat it. Happiness can be achieved in many places. There are persons you like and things you enjoy, and if you do something you enjoy with a person you like, it’ll be even greater for you. So let us think about how you can keep up to this feeling.” She looked in my eyes.
I nodded.
“Okay,” she said, “then tell me what you think would make you happy.”
I shrugged my shoulders. “Not being torn anymore.”
“Please explain.”
I asked myself if I should tell her.
“Torn between one opportunity and another.”
“What are your opportunities?” she asked seriously.
“The first one is to live and to suffer. The second one is to die and be free.”
Silence.