Till we break

Relapse

As I came home from school, I found a note sticked to the mirror in the floor.
‘We’re going out after work, it’ll be late. Mom and Dad’
Good for me, I liked being alone, especially in my room, all by myself. Even though it was kinda upsetting to be alone, but I got used to it to a point where I craved for it.
I looked at my calendar. It was the 19th of December, Christmas Eve was coming near. I sighed and sat down on my bed.
My thoughts raised about the day, about Kira stealing Selena from me, about my marks becoming worse, about my everyday life which was just awful, about my parents, and about Leonard. Somehow that guy was pretty often in my mind. He was special, different from most people I knew.
He was a best friend to me and it felt good to have someone besides Selena.
Suddenly hot tears were rolling down my cheeks.
I heard my bad thoughts telling me, Selena wouldn’t be there forever, no one would be there for me.
And I feared losing the last enjoyable moments I had in my life, I barely experienced something good, but when I did, it depended on the people I was around with.
After that thought had crossed my mind, I felt even more alone.

I went to the bathroom and let warm water into the bathtub. Then I went into my room and right to my desk. I closed my eyes and whispered “I have to…”, then I unlocked the drawer and grabbed my blades.

For a while I was just sitting in the warm water and enjoyed it, but then the darkness overwhelmed me again and my gaze turned to the basin where I had put my blades.
I took one and inhaled, then started to open my skin.
One cut, two, three, four, five… More and more.
Deep, deeper.
The water was already stained red from the blood.
I opened my mouth as if I would scream, but I couldn’t. The blade fell out of my hand on the floor and I could scarcely keep my eyes open. My body sank down a bit. Suddenly I startled because my mouth was open and I had swallowed water.
I coughed and spit it out.
“Damn it” I mumbled and looked at the blade on the floor.
My head ached badly and I reached out for another blade at the basin.
I wanted to start again as suddenly my phone rang. I dried my hands and grabbed my phone. It was Selena. I didn’t take the call.
I let some music play, I decided to listen to ‘Bright Eyes’. I loved their music and played their song ‘I won’t ever be happy again’.
Then I continued what I had begun. I slit my cuts deeper and as I started to cry, I put the blade away.
I blinked and felt dizzy. The light from the lamp was blinding me, then I passed out and my head fell on the edge.

My phone ringing again woke me up shortly after that.
I picked up.
“Yes?” I said. My head was aching pretty bad and I still felt dizzy.
“Have you been sleeping?” It was Selena again.
I tried to act surprised. “Oh, Erm, yes.”
“I tried calling you earlier.” She explained. “I was worried, but now everything’s alright. But sorry for waking you up.”
Maybe she had saved me by waking me up. “It’s okay.” I said, “No problem.”
“I don’t have time for a talk, so talk to you later. “
“Bye bye. “ She ended the call and now my playlist was playing ‘Sunrise, Sunset’.

I got out of the tub and washed my skin. After dressing up again, I searched for some compresses and bandages to doctor my arm.
In my room I quickly checked the time, it was 8.54 PM.
That was way before my average bed time, but I was tired as hell and I fell asleep the moment I laid in my bed and closed my eyes.