Till we break

Winter's Mood

Days passed by. Nothing special happened. Saturday I stayed in my room, Sunday exactly the same.
The week went by, life stayed exhausting. Nags bullied. Teachers bored. Parents bothered.
I talked a lot with Selena. We chatted and called each other.
I texted with Leonard too. I really started to like him. I'd hug him, and I wasn't someone who liked touching others or being touched.

I got worse marks than last year, bad marks in September, bad marks in October, bad marks in November. We wrote many tests in November. December would become a bit more relaxed. Everyone was excited for Christmas and teachers weren't stressed out and life tried to be kind of acceptable.
I had cut a few times. The voices in my head had become louder, which meant more self hate, more often the urge to cut, more dysphoric problems, more suicidal thoughts, less confidence and less joy. But I wasn't sad either.
Sometimes I was angry, mostly tired and always empty.
The colder it became outside, the colder became my heart. I wondered if it could freeze me from inside.
Technically it did. I was always cold because I didn't eat much, almost nothing. My staples were cucumbers and apples and I drank a lot of green tea.
I never ate much before, because I couldn't arrange something else with myself. Okay, sometimes I could, but it was almost never.
More often that not I skipped meals. I cut myself for every time I didn't throw up after eating a bigger serving.
Selena told me I would be nothing but skin and bones eventually. She was very worried. Leonard was worried too. Sometimes he tried to talk me into eating. Vain attempts.
I always felt sorry for that. It must be frustrating, but he always tried again and again.
My therapist said that it might be an eating disorder, but she said that we need to look after my eating habits first.
I didn't know what to think about that.
Maybe it meant that I could just be normal... . Honestly I wanted to believe that, I hated being an abnormal, depressed trans*boy.
I felt like an extra on the planet that no one needed. I believed that everyone would do better without me.
I was a waste of time and space and a useless existence, that's how I felt, that was the truth in my reality.
I thought of many ways to kill myself. I did research on the internet about overdosing.
It didn't seem to be the right way for me.
I thought about swallowing my blades. But I felt like I wouldn't have the guts to do that. The thought of going to sleep with blades in my mouth crossed my mind.
When?
New Year’s Eve seemed perfect.

I thought about writing a suicide note, but it seemed pointless to me. In my mind there was no one who would care.
So I wrote a letter to myself:

Hi,

You've changed a lot. You used to care. You used to smile. When was the last time you smiled? You don't remember, right?
You always fake smiles, even if deep inside you wanna cry.
You never cry. Crying makes you weak, you say. But you don't see yourself as strong.
That's why you want to - no, have to quit. It's just too much for you.

Hopefully you can be happy again away from this world.

  - Yourself, Aiden