Humming Bird Lexa/You/Clarke story

A Joke

Y/n's pov:

I roll my eyes and keep my eyes to the roof of my tent. I can feel Octavia's smug smirk as she watches me lie helplessly. "Why don't you go for a walk and stare at nature instead of me." My body relaxes on the sheets as her small reserved laugh rings in the stale air of the tent.

"Ya, " she makes a bit of noise as she moves what I assume to be the tiny stool closer to my bed. I blindly move my hand beside me feeling around to find my journal.

"What are you looking for?" I try to ignore her, but she lightly slaps my hand. "Just want my journal." I make sure to use a sour tone in my voice so she knows I'm not in the mood for playing. "Oh... you mean this?" I take my eyes off the ceiling and look at her. Sure enough, her smirk is dancing on her face as she flaps around my worn out journal.

I move fast. Trying to sneak attack and grab my journal, but she can read me well. She stands from the stool and steps back. I move to get up, but just as fast as she read me she shifts closer to me and lightly taps my left knee. I freeze, biting my lip to hold back the wail of pain that wants to erupt. I calm my breathing while keeping my gaze off of her until I have myself under control. I look back and the dark-haired girl and take in a frustrated breath. "Why wo-"

"You were going to get up," She cuts me off as she repositions herself on the small stool, placing my journal on my stomach. "I wouldn't look at it. I know how much it means to you." I stare at her features and see her soften, guilt for not trusting her overtakes my mind.

"I know. I'm sorry... guess I'm a little antsy." I grab my journal and pull the pencil out from the bent pages.

I see her nod out of the corner of my eye. "Don't worry. We all have those days." Her goofy smirk still gracing her face.

"It's fine to be a fuck up every now and then." Her smirk grows on her lips as she is probably thinking of a time she fucked up. How she in that moment thought it was horrible and wanted to die and looks back on it now and sees how crazy it was.

The seed is planted though. My gaze shifts to my banged up knee. I bite my bottom lip as the pain and thoughts come back. I'm a fuck up. Mistake.

No, she meant it as a joke. I know that. I know that. It was a joke. Tears prick my eyes, my eyes will not budge from the swollen black and blue.

I pull myself up into a sitting position bending my right leg and leaving the pain in the ass swollen one to lay straight ahead of me on the bed. I lean my head back against the little frame headboard of my bed, my body sloping closer to the slit of a window in my wall tent.

"I mean some people are born fuck ups. I can think of a few guys in this camp who couldn't help themselves if their lives depended on it." I strain to stay okay to try and keep the smile I hear in her voice. She pauses.

"Hey," she noticed the shift. Mood changed quickly.

I hear her sigh and shift in the small stool not bothering to turn my head and look at her.

"Y/n..." I hear her exasperation and annoyance. I feel my body tense and flinch at her tone, realizing I am bugging her.

"Don't worry. I'm fine." I know my glum attitude will prove my statement false, but I could not find any energy to muster a fake smile. Why should I anyway? I'm trapped in my own tent, my private space. I watch a small blue bird land on the rock splayed with sun by my window. Fuck up repeats over and over.

"You don't have to stay here," I bite my lip as the bottom one begins to quiver. I can never do anything right. I just want some inkberries so I can write and draw. I take a deep breath to try and pull myself together. I will not show Octavia that I am weak.

"Y/nn, screwball," I release a breathy laugh at the old nickname she gave me when we were trapped on the ark. "Look, your good." Her hand finds mine; my eyes still trained on the fluffed body of the grooming bird. I see, across the clearing, Clarke leaving her tent. She turns and lands a plant on Lexa's lips. Only a moment. Very delicate. I shift my gaze back to the rock and bite my lip as I see it empty and void of a little birdy body. I don't belong here. I have no purpose here.

"Hey, come on." She teasingly pinches my shoulder, but stops and turns serious when she hears my breath shake.

I hear her shift by my side, her hand finding mine once again. Small squeezes every few moments. She is a great friend. An amazing person. The tears build up. An amazing warrior and fighter. Fearless yet sensitive.

"When was the last time you ate?" I just shrug not trusting my voice to hide my hurt. She squeezes my hand one last time then gets up from her seat for the millionth time since she came in here.

I keep my eyes locked on the abandoned rock only nodding when she says she is going to get food and will be right back.

I release another shaky breath and try my hardest to wipe away the escaped tears. I am a fuck up. I don't belong here. People will get hurt. I can't be here.

I sit there exhausted and in pain alone as the tears stream past my defenses. My sleeves unable to keep up with them pour mint down my cheeks. I zone out on the sunny rock, tracing the warm rivers that have fallen down my chin and neck.

I think about Jasper, my first friend on the arc. He's dead. He died. He controlled it to escape the pain.

"Back already?" "Ya, it's I told Clarke I'd meet her here around noon." I try to wipe away the tears. Try to suck up the pain once more.

"Ya I was just grabbing Y/n some food." Their voices get louder as they begin to enter the tent. I keep my face to the wall, eyes still glued to the rock. There's shifting beside me as they both go quiet. The tears build once more.

"Y/nn..."