The Morningstar Brigade

Chapter 35

XXXV

URIEL

Day Five. Eight Days Remain.

Amos' Chapel, Haven

"That wasn't how it was supposed to go," Uriel said angrily as he threw open the door and walked into Amos' chapel.

"Stop, Uriel," Artemis said with a quiet fire.

"Maybe not, maybe that isn't how it's supposed to go," Isaac said, trailing close behind with his mask in hand. "But it worked. We took down the bad guy and we made it out. The Brigade is sending a retrieval team for that disgusting glob of Vita we dug out of Gula, meaning that Solomon has a power source for Jacob's Ladder. Sure, we might not know who this 'Lilith' is, or if she's even real, but that's a win."

Uriel ran his hands through his hair in frustration. "No, that's not what I'm talking about," he said, rubbing his eyes. "I mean that didn't feel like it was supposed to. We did something good, right? We're closer to getting my dad back, right?" he asked, looking around. "So why doesn't it feel that way? It didn't feel like I won, like I helped anyone. I feel like a monster."

Artemis' hand clenched. She tried to remain patient. "Uriel, no," she again calmly yet sternly insisted. "You've got it all wrong."

"Uriel, come on. You did do something good. You saved us, all of us," Kat said, putting a hand on his shoulder.

He shook the hand off. "I killed someone," he said, disgusted with himself. "He thought. He felt. Then I turned into that... that thing. And then I killed someone. But this time, I was still in there. This time I wanted it. You expect me to call that a win?" he demanded, throwing his sword across the room.

"Yeah, I do," Artemis said, locking eyes with Uriel. A quiet rage had been simmering since Uriel had begun to speak and now boiled over. "Guess what? The job we've taken? It isn't clean," she growled angrily. "We keep people safe. We do. And we do it with a whole hell of a lot of blood on our hands."

"Mom," Kat began slowly.

"No, he needs to understand or none of this is worth anything." She shook her head and put a hand up, cutting Kat off. Then she pulled Uriel in so they were nearly nose to nose. "We protect people. People like Eli. Like the people Eli protected. We don't do that lightly. And we can't do it with regrets. Morningstar entrusted us..." She cursed and paused, remembering her discharge from the Brigade. "Morningstar entrusted each of you with protecting humanity because you're supposed know when to pull the trigger, and you don't wring your hands over it later."

"It shouldn't feel like this," Uriel said, his face knotting with guilt. "We say it's right, but then why is the blood on my hands making me sick? Does doing the right thing feel that way?"

"Yeah, it does," Artemis said, her voice rising as she shoved Uriel. "Those feelings, everything twisting up inside you whenever you think about that body lying there on the floor? That's supposed to be there," she argued. "It's there because we live in a world we weren't built for. A world that we messed up from the very beginning. A world where someone needs to die for others to live." Artemis breathed out slowly and put a hand on the side of Uriel's head. "You did something great today. You stood by me, you stood by your friends, you stood by your world," she reminded Uriel. "But that doesn't mean you don't get to live in a fantasy where doing something good always feels great, where the right thing never means hurting someone. None of us do. We move from one trade off to another, hating ourselves the whole way for what's done to make the world a better place. It's who we are; it's what we've chosen." She shook her head. "The one luxury we don't get is feeling sorry for ourselves. Feeling sorry for ourselves means there's something else we should have done, and our job is too important for that. Back there, when you said that you weren't going to make sacrifices? You were wrong," she spat. "We make sacrifices, not mistakes. We mourn, not second-guess. That's what being a member of the Brigade is about."