Reaction || Malum ||

10

Calum's POV

They say depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain but I'm a firm believer that it can break your heart. Days like today when my eyes want to bad to see the beauty of everything but my heart screeches out in fear, is when I believe it's not just a brain thing. Every time I look at Michael and see how hard he's trying for me, it feels like the world is sitting on my chest. My heart and chemically deficient brain are at war with each other, trying to decide what's best for me but I wish they'd both shut up.

I've often wondered what it's like to live outside the box. To not be trapped inside my own paranoia and feel what the world has to offer again. All my problems didn't start with my parents dying but it sure as hell didn't end there. I hate looking at reflection in the mirror because I hate what I've become. It's like I'm a shell of who I used to be, lost with no intentions of being found. Like everything I ever was and ever will be died with my parents in that accident.

Just as I reach for my blade, a knock sounds from the door. Michael never let's me linger too long in the bathroom which somedays I'm grateful for but not today. I've been standing in front of the mirror for so long trying to figure out where the broken pieces of me went but I've had no luck. If anything it's made me hate myself more than normal.

"Calum, are you okay in there?" Michael's sweet voice calls from outside the door and I quickly hid the razor. I didn't feel like talking because I knew Luke and Ashton were in the room so I just went to open the door.

When I pulled it open, Michael's face was etched in concern. I hated that he worried about me so much. Trust me I'm nothing worth worrying about.

"You okay?" He asked with his eyebrows pulling together. I nodded and even managed to smile enough so that Michael's face relaxed. I walked past him and went to sit on my bed and as usual Michael was close behind. Luke and Ashton were sitting on Ashton's bed watching funny animal videos and giggling like a bunch of girls. I wished I could laugh again.

"Cal, the lads and I think we should sneak in one last practice before the show tomorrow night. What do you think?" Michael asked, smiling at me. There was just something about Michael when he smiled that gave me butterflies. He was making it so hard to keep him at arms length and I didn't know how close I should let him get.

I nodded my head and we all jumped up to grab our things to head to our usual practice spot. We found a small room that no one ever used to hide away and practice and so far no one had found us out. As we walked I lagged behind as I usually did but this time Michael slowed down to walk next to me. When I was paying no attention to him, he nudged my shoulder to catch my attention. When I finally looked over to him, he was smirking with his green eyes glowing. I gave him a shrug and he just smiled, nudging me again. I wanted to smile but if I did I would be one step closer to falling.

I smiled anyway.

Maybe not a big smile full of emotion but it was enough to be able to see Michael smile at me again.

Michael's POV

We've been practicing for forever and my fingers were getting tired. We sounded really good but with all the extra nerves and pressure of the show we were all exhausted. Luke was the first to break and put his guitar down to lie back on the floor. We all follows suit and decided to call it a night. My eyes have been glued on Calum the entire time and I don't regret getting caught staring at least a half a dozen times.

There's something about him when he is playing or singing. There's something about him all the time but it becomes even more amazing when he's like this. You can almost feel the passion pouring out of him when his fingers are diligently strumming along the strings. He seems to shine when he's got a guitar in his hand and I loved to watch him shine. Just like the stars.