Reaction || Malum ||

20

Calum's POV

Feeling is absolutely ridiculous. I was doing just fine being a hermit with no feelings but then in walks Michael. Something about him makes me feel again. I'm not sure I like what I feel for him. Whatever that may be. See this is why I liked not being able to feel because even if I feel something for Michael he deserves so much better than me.

I've been standing in the steaming shower with my head resting against the cool tile but now the water is going cold. As stupid as it sounds the shower is my escape from everything. It's where I go to think and escape from Michael sometimes. I've got nothing against him just that he makes me feel in ways that I never really thought I could. Ugh.

I know what I did last night was probably romantic and shit but I never should have done it. Maybe that sounds shallow and rude but I can't let Michael too far in just so I can screw things up with him because I know I will. It's almost guaranteed that I'll screw everything up with Michael or for Michael. That's just what I do.

But even though I sort of regret last night, I can't deny that I enjoyed it. Michael looked amazing in a suit and the way the green of his mask brought out the green of his eyes made me lose self control. Plus how could I forget the taste of his kiss? The way the sweet champagne lingered on his lips making me crave the contact. It's like I lose myself around Michael and become someone totally different. Someone that resembles my old self.

I slapped the tile in annoyance before I shut off the water. From now on I needed to put my guard back up and try not to let Michael over power my judgement any further. Once my mind was slowed down I climbed from the shower to wrap a towel around my waist. Another towel was used against my hair to dry it then I turned to head towards my room. Just as I went to step out of the doorway I noticed a small white piece of paper resting on the marble of the bathroom counter. I hastily picked it up to read the shitty handwriting on it.

Library? -M

I shook my head crumpling the paper in my hand and headed for my room. Torn, again. Do I go to the library so Michael can charm me or do I just stay in my room? When I shut my bedroom door behind me I let my still damp back rest against it. My head was spinning but that could be from the fact I haven't eaten for a least a day, maybe two, it's hard to tell. Pinching at the skin on my stomach I could deserve a few more days without food I'd say. Slowly I moved over to my dresser, pulling out sweats and a shirt to cloth my disgusting body.

I let my heavy body collapse against my mattress and closed my eyes to escape the images around me. Why am I so screwed up? Why does Michael even hang around me? Is it pity? All these questions cloud my already hazy head making me feel like throwing up or punching something. As much as I hate to admit it, all these shitty thoughts only stop when I'm with Michael. It's like he's an impenetrable force that halts any and all negative thoughts from my mind. And that terrified me. I refuse to become dependent on someone for my own happiness. That fictional bullshit is just not for me.

But I like Michael, I like him a lot. Last night was the first time in a long while I felt, special. The way the green of his eyes reflects the entirety and purity of his soul makes me feel like I'm a somebody. He looks into my eyes when he speaks and when I decide to speak back. He makes me feel like I have so much to say but not just with my words. It's like he understands what no one else does. Shit he's amazing, why would he want to be with someone like me.

But you want to be with him.

Before my mind can catch up I'm heading towards my door for the library. With a deep breath I make my legs move down the hallway until my trembling hand is reaching for the door knob. Just as I reached out to open the door it was pulled open quickly. Michael took in a deep breath and I took a step back until we were just staring at each other. Michael had on a sweater, sweat pants and a beanie to cover his fading hair. When my eyes caught a glimpse of his, my heart began to beat fast. How does he do this to me and so quickly? A smile touched his lips before his eyes trailed down to the carpet between us then back up to meet mine again.