Reaction || Malum ||

16

Warning: some triggering thoughts so please be cautious

Calum's POV

Sometimes you want nothing more than to be numb. To rely on something stronger than yourself to pull you through the day. My pills were my resort on days like this. Even though most days I completely hated the feeling of floating through my life, days like today I needed it. I just want to forget things for a little while and not feel a thing.

It's my mums birthday today.

It's my mums birthday and because of me, her fuck up of a son, she's not here to celebrate it. Guilt is a unique feeling that can crush you like an egg under a fist. It consumed and ate at me nearly every single day of my life making days like this, unbearable. Why did I have to be such a problem child for my parents? I mean everything since I was little just caused my parents distress and up until their last moments I made it hard for them.

Me, I'm the one that ruins everything for everyone and breaks everything around me. I'm a walking destruction. Every day I get further in to Michael's life the more I could ruin him. Is that what is really eating at me? I'm afraid of ruining Michael? If I'm caring this much about him already then I'm already in deep trouble. All feelings for Michael need to stop, now.

I won't do that to him.

My trembling hands are gripping onto the dresser in front of me before I decide to open the drawer. Under my socks and underwear hide my endless bottles of medications. Blue ones for anxiety, white ones for depression, and a bunch of other ones that I'm not really sure why I keep around or what they do. A deep sigh and I reach for the bottle of blue pills to dump a few in my palm but I paused momentarily when there was a knock at my door. No doubt it was Michael.

"Calum? We have to leave for therapy in ten minutes." He called out in his smooth voice and I froze.

"Okay." My voice came out shaky but apparently it was enough for Michael because there was no more noise from his side of the door.

I closed my eyes tightly before putting a couple of the pills back in the bottle. I only took the recommended dosage and stuffed the bottles back under my clothes and slammed the drawer shut in frustration. I popped the pills in my mouth before chasing them down my throat with the glass of water by my bedside table.

Another cowardly move Calum. When are you going to give up and give in? Do the world a favor.

I hated that voice in my head. The voice that always begged me to jump, take the handful of pills, or cut just a little deeper. That voice nagged me to the point of self destruction once and I've fought too hard to let it win again. It amazes me sometimes how our own mind can be our worst enemy. Twisting, manipulating and killing us from the inside out with our own thoughts like hammering the nails in our own coffin. My thoughts kill me a little more each day and that in itself terrifies me.

I refuse to look in the mirror when I'm having a day of struggles because I hate who I see. The person who killed my own parents, the person who's uncle beat him because he was gay, and the person who was bullied and depressed all those years. I hated that person and he's not who I used to be. Believe it or not I used to love life, but now I mutter through and wonder how much longer I have until I lose the fight.

It's disgusting really.

With another exhale I threw up the hood on my sweat shirt and went to join Michael in the kitchen. Just as I was heading down the stairs I heard voices from the bottom making me pause. It was Michael and his dad arguing over something but it was hard for me to hear the entire conversation. I let my feet creep down a couple more stairs until I was able to hear what they were saying.