Stay With Me (Zalfie)

13. They will have to know eventually

"They will have to know eventually Zo." Lousie said to me straight. I had been having panic attacks over and over again and yes I guess I had to tell my viewers and maybe I could support others like me.

So, with my two best friends by my side, I picked up my laptop and lay on the hotel bed. I typed in zoella.co.uk and with a deep breath I started to type...

Panic attacks

Before I begin this blog post, I'd like to let you know that this is quite a personal thing for me to write, but I wanted to share this with you as I'm hoping that if you're reading this as a panic attack sufferer, I may help you in some way. Alternatively, if you are reading this and you know someone who suffers with panic attacks, I hope I can help you get a better understanding and display ways in which you can show support.

Anxiety is an awful emotion to feel, a feeling that cannot be controlled & you are unaware of it creeping up on you. Different levels of anxiety lie in all of us all the time. From a simple thing like "Oh no, I've got school/work tomorrow" to something a lot more nerve wracking like a scary job interview or waiting for your appointment at the dentist (I know I'm not the only one). Although anxiety lies in all of us, It affects people in different ways. When we're stressed, our anxiety levels are much higher and some of us become a lot more sensitive to it. For those of you who are calm, collected and pretty fearless, you will have a much lower anxiety threshold. (I am jealous

of those of you who are like this)

Extremely high levels of anxiety, can, in a lot of people, cause panic attacks, whether you are aware of your anxiety or not.

I've suffered with panic attacks for 6 and a half years, and so i'm writing this blog post for those of you who struggle to understand, feel alone, need advice or need someone else to understand.

It's understandable that not everybody "gets" what a panic attack is. In fact i'm pretty sure more people don't understand than do, which is really sad. Even some of the people closest to me, struggle to understand exactly how it affects me, or my life, or some decisions that I choose to make. Even after hours of explaining, unless someone has been through a panic attack themselves, they will never truly or fully understand.

What exactly is a panic attack?

A sudden feeling of dread, the sudden urge to push your way through to the nearest exit, the whole room shrinking down around you and everybody staring at you and smothering you. In a split second, without you anticipating it, or knowing it's going to happen, your body releases adrenaline. This adrenaline is released as your body is preparing for "flight or fight". Something our brain is programmed to do in a life or death situation. You need adrenaline for a fight in order to be strong, and you need adrenaline for flight, in order to run fast and get away. This would have prepared our cave-dwelling ancestors to fight or run away from danger, but it's much less appropriate to the stresses we encounter today. Clearly, we are not cavemen any more, and we don't need to hunt for our food, but this adrenaline is released in situations like tripping over a step, being extremely excited, being on a roller-coaster, being in a fight, In an accident, adrenaline is released into our bodies all the time, but us panic attack sufferers

have a "SENSITIVE ALARM".

What happens during a panic attack?

Adrenaline is released, thus causing your heart to beast faster, and your muscles to tense. We breathe in more oxygen, which our muscles use to turn sugar into energy (even though we don't need extra energy for anything), Blood is diverted to the muscles, making you pale and light headed. This also causes you to shake. Our digestive system shuts down, making your throat dry and making you feel sick. Your senses are heightened, you become more aware of sounds and smells around you (It's like someone turned up the volume, and in a busy place, it was loud enough anyway).

When adrenalin floods your body, it can cause a number of different physical and emotional sensations that may affect you during a panic attack:

These may include:

very rapid breathing or feeling unable to breathe

very rapid heartbeat

pains in your chest

feeling faint or dizzy

sweating/Shivering

ringing in your ears

tingling or numbness in your hands and feet

hot or cold flushes

feeling nauseous

wanting to go to the toilet

feelings of absolute terror

feeling smothered

feeling claustrophobic

being extremely emotional/uncrontrollable crying

feelings of unreality, called depersonalisation and derealisation.

Something people don't seem to realise, is that self esteem is seriously dented from suffering these attacks. I still, to this day, think that people judge me, and that they possibly all talk about how weird I am, or how annoying I am for having panic attacks, or even that they may think you make it up, or are using as an excuse. You start to think that you are ruining everyone else's life around you & have become a nuisance.

I'd turn things down ALL THE TIME, but it's not because I didn't want to go, I wanted to go more than anything, I just COULDN'T put myself in any situation where I felt I may have panicked. I'm going to list places I've had panic attacks before, as I want to express that they won't just happen when you anticipate them, but they can literally just spring on you, anywhere...

In bed at night

In a supermarket

In a pub

In a club

In a taxi

On a bus

On a tube

On a train

At the train station

In a restaurant

At a friends house

At a family members house

Boyfriends house

In a car

On a boat

At school

At work

You are not alone, panic attacks are VERY common, and although terrifying, will not kill you. Don't let your attacks ruin your confidence or dent your self esteem, you are an amazing person, and you CAN stop them, with the right treatment and techniques. Do not force yourself to go somewhere you don't feel comfortable, you and your health are far more important than keeping someone else happy. If someone close to you fails to understand, it can leave you feeling terribly alone and insecure, FORCE them to read this blog post and tell them I'll kick their bottom if they don't LISTEN and show as much support as possible.

That's all from me. Please share experience's and leave comments below, it won't just help me, but will also help others just like you reading this blogpost

♥

I finally finished and had calmed down. Alfie and Louise hugged me and then I fell asleep.

I dreamt that I was about to walk onto stage, once I got on everyone started to boo at me and throw stuff at me, including my friends and family. But then I grew more confident and determined to help people know about anxiety. Soon I was explaining and everyone was cheering me on and for once I had a dream with a good ending.

I had Alfie.

I had Louise.

I had all of my family.

I had a life that had finally started to pull itself together.

Or so I thought.