Sometimes I just wanna die. But not really. Just get away from everything and not have to deal with the toll of living anymore. I feel like in the afterlife we are free to do whatever. I feel like we have no worries past the point of living. That time doesn't exist and no one cares if you are who you are. I also noticed that if your alive people don't really notice that you're gone. But once you're dead they miss you more than their heart realizes. Do we even really "live" when we're living? Because if I'm being honest here, which I am, I feel numb all the time. I used to be a lot better than what I am right now. I used to laugh, smile, play, and only cry when I skinned my knee. Now I laugh and smile, but only to hide what's really going on. I play, but only when a small child wants me to and even then I don't have the imagination for it anymore. Crying? I cry all the time. At home, school, friends houses. Hell I've cried in public multiple times. I haven't even experienced reality yet, and I'm already done with it. Everytime I eat now, all I want to do is throw it up. I feel like I'm just going to add to my already 200 lbs weight if I even eat just a small chip. What really shocked me today was this: I thought of cutting. I haven't done that in a while. Last time I cut was because my girlfriend did. That was months ago. But I walked into my room, looked at the floor, sighed, and thought of getting one of my blades and just slitting my skin. But only for a brief moment did I think that. I think I'm getting worse to be honest. And I'm scared. I was perfectly fine throughout elementary. I mean, yeah I got bullied. But who didn't? But 7th grade hit me. It hit me harder than puberty hits a 12 year old boy over summer break. My problems went from talking to me like a squeaky little mouse to a roaring lion in over just 2 weeks. And it's happening again. It's been happening for a while now. Ever since I got out of the hospital last year. It is happening slower. But that's how inner demons like to torture you. They hit you hard, then go away. Then they slowly creep back up on you until they pounce on you and tear you apart and make your life a fucking living hell again. I'm just done with all the critics. All they do is whine and complain and torture you until you eventually break yourself. They pick at you until your nothing but a tiny speck of sand in the entire beach of life. I need a new mirror. Mines broken. I've looked in it too much thinking about how I would be prettier if I lost 90 pounds. How if I didn't have acne or stupid grey eyes. If I had long beautifully wavy light brown hair and forest green eyes with slight freckles. If I were just an inch taller. And if I had the confidence of all the other girls to go outside wear shorts and a crop top and not think I look like a fat pig. I just want to be beautiful to others standards so that they don't look at me funny when I walk by them, or laugh when I try to talk out loud in class and stutter and stumble over words because I don't know what to say next cause I'm too busy thinking about what everyone else thinks of my image as a person. Sometimes I just wanna not deal with people. Everyone says, " don't do drugs, stay away from drugs, drugs'll fuck up your life." I agree but, LOVE is the most fucked up drug of them all..
