So um hi. How are you? After you answer my question Im sure you'll ask me the same one. And little do you know when i say Im okay or I'm fine or Im just tired, I'm fucking dying inside. But lets put that aside for now. How is youre life going? Oh that's great. Im glad its going good. But you ask me the same question and all I say is okay. But what I really want to say is that I feel like I'm fucking suffocating in my own self hatred. But we don't need to dwell on that, I'm doing just fine. I love you. I respond with I love you too. But then I start douting you and myself on my own perception of love. Is this really love or is it just how I veiw our slightly fucked up relationship that clouds and clogs our own self respect. But we're doing okay. You're doing better. All I can respond with is yeah. Because if I actually told you how much better I'm doing you'll see how much worse its getting. I either eat too much or not enough. I cant keep myself away from my sharps. I can't stay away from the Nyquil bottle or my bed. All I want to do is sleep so I feel nothing because sleep is a temporary death. But yeah, I'm doing better. So lets not talk about it. I feel starved of attention but that's okay because I'm the dom and I don't need to be pet or held while in crying. I don't need to share my fucking feelings with you because I'm fucking strong just because I'm top. Even if I do get to share my feelings you turn them on yourself and then I end up having to suppress my feelings and fix yours. But that's fine. Im doing okay. Im okay with this. You say its okay for me to be a little and act like it except I can't call you mama or mommy and I can't be held against your chest or pet. Im not allowed to use a binkie or a sippie or a bottle because that's "your thing". But its whatever. Im fine. You tell me to stop saying sorry for everything but last I checked everything was my fault so I have to. I always say or do something wrong to turn the mood from sweet to sour. But I'm fine. I can get through this. You say youve never really done anything sexual with other people before me but I onow thats a lie because ive talked to the one person you mentioned and he told me everything that I wanted to know. What else are you hiding from me? But lets not answer that question, its unimportant. Oh Im having a depression or anxiety issue? Lets just go smoke some weed and hope we forget it just so it comes back to haunt my sober ass later instead of talking me through it. But thats okay. Im just a self centered little cunt, now arent I? But that doesnt matter. No. Not as long as you jave all the things you want from me. But then you get me frustrated because I ask for cuddles when I leave in about 30 minutes but you say what do I get out of it or make me. When you know damn fucking well that I cant fucking make you because I'm too scared for that and I don't know how. And you like to tease me and make me mad because you think its cute when really I want to fucking punch someone. It is 2:37 in the fucking morning when I have to be up in 4 hours for school thinking about how you are such a bitch but I wont ever leave you because I just can't. I dont onow what to do with out you. I Don't know how I would manage. I would spin out if control, but then again. Arent I already doing that when I'm with you?
