Wake up. Its daylight outside. But inside you the butterflies of depression swarm around your stomach and head. Its hard to breathe sometimes but its okay, its only your asthma and not the weight of the pain and the world you carry on your shoulders each day. It doesnt hurt when you slice yourself it only makes you feel like you're really here and maybe you could mean something. It hurts to lose people, but it hurts even more when they choose to leave. In this world Love is irrelevant. All that matters is your status and your money. But you already know this, so why does it hurt so much when the one you truly love doesn't love you back?
Get up. Start the day, check your phone so that people can either tell you how amazing or horrible you are. Look into the mirror. Its dark in the room but the shine of your glasses are still there. Is this a metaphor for we have a shining light in us? No, its just the bit of light that enters the room due to windows. You turn on the light and take a good look at yourself. You didnt go to bed until 3 AM and you are rocking that messy hair and baggy eyes, well in a sense that if insomnia needed a super model you would be perfect. Your thighs are cut and scarred with the hate that you refuse to reflect onto others. It burns but you dismiss it. You feel like you deserve it for being such shit to everyone that day. It was your punishment for fucking up. Turn off the light you dont need it.
Are you really memorable? Do people look back on the times you were in their lives and say, " wow, I remember them" I miss them.". I didnt think so. It makes sense, youre not anything special. Youre just a girl who is confused about everything and is a total airhead. Who wants to remember a girl who fucks everything up?
Put your headphones in, drown out the thoughts. Don't think, just breathe. Breathe in the spoiled oxygen littered with marijuana. It helps get you to a place where you can't think about anything other than the last song that was playing. You feel like a bad kid for doing it because you've been told all your life to stay away from it. Its scary but you're convinced its fine. Its kept you from cutting and crying. Its protected you from horrible moods and it's has carried you through the worst wars of your time. But sometimes its not enough. You feel the urges overpower your own mind and you sink deep into your dark abyss. You grab the razor and slit your skin hoping to feel fulfillment and release. Its there for a second but is soon drowned out by guilt and shame. You stop and think and breakdown. What the actual fuck!?
Your mind takes over and all you can do is gasp for breath as tears stream down from your blue and blood shot eyes. You curl up further than you ever think you could and you grab at yourself desperate to hold onto someone who you know can never leave you. You feel a burning in your lungs and you just want to scream but nothing comes out but a shaky breath. Nothing hurts more than this does. No physical injury could ever outshine the feeling that consumes you at this very moment. Your stomach feels queasy as you intake your first true breath since you started this. You clear your head and get dressed.
You think of food and you instantly want to gag. Why do you feel this way? Lately all you can stomach is meat and sometimes not even that. You drink a lot of water and carbonated beverages. You know its not good for you but its just what happens to happen. People always try to keep you properly fed but it doesnt work. It hurts to lie to people but its hard to look your mom straight in the face and tell her you're starving yourself because your body can't handle what your mind throws at it. Its hard to tell your mom who thinks youre getting better that you're getting worse by the minute and you feel like you could implode on yourself if youre given too much time here. It hurts you to live and you know everyone is just going to tell you " get over it". How? How do I get through this any longer? Its hard to stand, it hurts to breathe, I feel as though I have to mask myself.
