It seems harder and harder to gasp for air when the person who is holding your head underwater is as trustworthy as you. How do I know what my lungs need to survive when you've been telling me how to breathe for this long? It feels like a crime to have any self thought. I say one thing and I get dunked further. Every little word I say is a dull knife against my mind. How can I be good when all i do is bad? Nothing I say soothes you, just an endless raging typhoon that swirls down into the depths. I have no words. I have no air. My thoughts have left me and it feels wrong. Oh it feels so wrong. I can't even begin to fathom it. Maybe I'm just insecure. Maybe I otherthink. I couldn't be right. This is actually driving me crazy. I am spiraling in thought about you leaving. I am actually having anxiety about this. How dare you treat me like that. How dare you go against my wishes so fucking badly. Im not even trying for poetry anymore. I am so fucking angry. You ask me if you can go visit your friend and how I feel about it I LITERALLY SAY "I DONT FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT, I DONT WANT YOU GOING" NOT EVEN A WEEK LATER YOU BOOK THE TICKET WHAT THE FUCK i have no words anymore. I can't even speak to you about it because somehow, some way you will turn it on me. It will be my fault. You wil get mad at me for being uncomfortable with my wife leaving to go meet a person you haven't even known for HALF A YEAR all the way in fucking Texas with their partners and going out to cat cafes and coffee shops. Yeah, that's normal friend shit. HOWEVER in light of recent knowledge (you saying relationship-wise you're monogamous but sexually you're not) I don't fucking trust this. You keep reassuring me that nothing is going to happen, I get youre going to be gone for only three days but I don't feel good about it. I feel terrible about it. IT. FEELS. WRONG. And you've already vented to them about our relationship A WEEK into knowing them. If this was turned around I would be verbally fucking chewed up, spit out, and crushed into the floor if I tried shit like this. I understand you want a friendship like trink and mine but that's not going to happen that fucking fast. You haven't even explained to them that I don't want them calling me by the nickname YOU GAVE ME. It is our special nickname for us. Duck and Goose. I am nobody else's goose. Only yours. I've even fucking told my parents to not call me that because it makes me uncomfortable. Does it just not fucking matter that I'm uncomfortable? About anything? It just fees wrong. This whole situation feels so fucking wrong. I hate it. I fucking hate it.
