So. I can't eat. I feel fat enough already. I can't even imagine drinking anything but water right now. Chocolate milk has too many fatteners in it. So does what ever else is there to eat. It fucking sucks. I wish I could be normal and just eat a meal and go throughout the day without at least THINKING about throwing up 4 or 5 times a day. Don't even get me started on how many times I've thrown up because I feel "too full". I want to eat. My body doesn't like it. Oh excuse me, I meant depression. The reason I sleep thru dinner is so I don't have to eat until I wake up. Until my stomach hurts so bad that I feel like it's starting to eat my organs. Even then I just wanna throw up right after. Is it wrong to want to be skinny?
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(After first period)
I was walking out of my class and I walked past Shai. I have my head phones in. She goes to hug me and I tense up. The only person I want a hug from right now would question me if I tried to ask for one. Then she grabs me asking what's wrong in an angry tone. I walk away and say things. Why would I tell her at school? Why would I tell her period? She's just gonna yell at me... I get into my second hour, sit down, take off my jacket, and rest my head on my left hand. Which I had wrote on with red and black pen. My girlfriend sees it. She reads it, flicks my hand, and says "bad". Then she tries talking to me. I can't really hear her so I leave it alone. She then looks at me and says " you need to talk to me". I tell her " it's really hard to talk right now to be honest." She looks at me worried then goes back to drawing. She then asks me what she should draw, I tell her that's not a good idea to ask me right now. She tells me she doesn't care and that she asked me a question and to say my answer. I tell her that it would be depressing, she says she doesn't care. Then I say it's hard to put into words. Then she leaves me alone. It's not hard to put into words. I wrote down words that describe what I feel. It's just hard to say it out loud because I'm scared that she's just gonna get mad at me for feeling that I'm a worthless piece of shit. I can barely smile. I want to cry but my body won't let me. I want to cut but I know if I do my girlfriend will get hella mad at me and lecture me and say I'm not trying hard enough. Say that if I was really trying then I wouldn't have done it. It would disappoint my mom, Kerri, Nana, papa, all of my friends. They would look down on me and tell me I'm not doing enough to help myself. Well they're right. Because I waste all of my energy on others so that they don't feel the pain. I know how it feels to be bend out of shape, dying inside, starving because the world says you can't eat, so sick you can't get out of bed, to tired to do anything, not wanting to let anyone know your feeling something other than happy because God only knows what would happen if you show emotion. I help others so that they don't have to go through that alone. Even though I had a lot of people on my side for fighting against my depression, I still felt alone. I felt alone, and still do, because I feel like no one can actually connect with me in that way. Yeah I know people who cut. Yeah I know people who deal with depression and anxeity. But not on my level. Not to the point where I want to kill everyone who's close to me. Not to the point where I literally plan it out step by step in my head, imagine their blood splatter and screams. Then wanting to snap out of it and kill myself because then, am I really alone.
