So. Last week I tried commiting suicide. Honestly, I dont know if im happy to be alive. I was hospitalized for a week and it kind of helped. But now that I'm out I dont know if im grateful to be breathing. It hurts to see my girlfriend hurting but, maybe. No. I wont say it. Ive been thinking about it. But really what benefit would it bring to be if I did do it?? I would just loose another person in my life that I actually love. But then I could actually die peacefully. If I can even die. I seem to be invincible. Every time I try it just doesnt work. I even held a gun to my head and it misfired. Like, how lucky do I have to be? Everyone is always saying everything happens for a reason but why me? Why do I need to be alive? What good do I actually bring to this life? What purpose do I serve? I know i'll never be famous or anything so why do I have to be alive? I just want an attempt to work. I just want to be gone. I have too many responsibilities. I know she wants to get married to me but thats a scary thought. No one has ever loved me this much and it terrifies me sometimes. I do everything for her and she does everything for me. But i dont know if I enjoy it anymore. It hurts so much to think about loosing her but it seems so relieving at the same time. Not having to worry about someone else. Not having to do anything for anyone. Sometimes I just wanna be alone. I know it sounds stupid but sometimes I just hate being around anyone. Even her. Shes the best relationship ive ever had. But that doesnt mean I wish things were different sometimes. In two years my parents are moving to Georgia and they expect me to go with. With or without her. I dont know what to do. Do I defy them and stay? Do I go and bring her with? Or do I leave her and go with them?? I know i wont ever find someone or something like this ever again and it scares me. Its weird because sometimes I almost miss the abuse. I think its because I feel like a deserve it sometimes. Most of the time I just want her to slap me. Or yell mean things at me. Its a weird thought but I just... I like it. It scares me. Everything scares me. Shes not my type but I still love her somehow. I'm just waiting for her to hurt me. I'm just waiting for something bad to happen. I'm waiting for me to fuck it up somehow. I'm sorry.
