I'm so numb all the time its deafening. Everything is always cloudy in my mind. I can never seem to do things to their standards. I forget and they blame it on me. I get depressed and they blame it on me. I cant sleep and they punish me for it. I am a walking husk of a person. My emotions are now only for my girlfriend and even sometimes that can be challenging. They dont listen. They dont care. They want money. They want everything clean. No matter how many times you say that this is because you care for me it will not change the way I feel every day. This feels like a sick joke. Telling me I can leave is pushing me to leave. Giving me an option of job or disability is pushing me to be uncomfortable in my own skin. My heart sinks on a daily basis and it aches every time you say this is for my own good. It hurts every time you say you "understand". I have internal wounds that are just festering and only two people are helping me clean them up. And its not you. You arent by my side anymore. No longer "in my corner". I feel I am no longer your daughter, son, or child. I feel like I am nothing but a burden and a waste of space. I have feelings too. You dont even understand my pronouns. You told me to get over my rape. You told me that I cant make my own decisions when it comes to my body. I can barely understand the meaning of your love anymore with how much you shove down my throat. You tell us ffys but then you get food for yourself as if ky and I arent there, hungry, starving even because theres only meal plans in this house. I dont know how to process the words you say anymore because if I think of something wrong or I say something wrong everything I just put up is demolished. You wont even speak. She does the talking for you. Are you afraid? Do you just not care? I want answers but if I ask you you'll pull away and give me some bs. You say youre building a life for me. Well what if I want to do it a different way? What if i dont want to be in college? What then? Will you resent me for wasting your time and money? Will you understand? Im so scared everyday that I will fuck up in front of you and you'll get angry. Both of you. She gets so annoyed with me so easily. I dont do anything but exist. I do nothing but what i can do. Im sorry I'm not perfect and I dont have any motivation to do anything. I dont even have the motivation to wash myself. Its been days upon days that I havent showered. Yet the only thing you notice is when I dont do chores. I dont eat hardly ever. But you only notice when I don't do the chores. I crave your love and attention but I dont know how to get that from you anymore when you act like a Im just some person who lives in your house. Not your daughter. Not your son. Not your child. Just a person. A blip in the world. You act like I can just do everything that you can do and more. You act like I don't have stunts in my mentality preventing me from doing basic daily things. I get depressed more than most people know. I can barely dress myself or speak when I'm depressed. And you expect me to clean? You expect me to just push it aside again and bottle everything up until I scream and cry at you asking why you dont love me? Why you dont want me around? My heart is fucking breaking and all I can do is clean and cry. No matter what I do I will always do something wrong by you. I know even when I have kids you'll be the same way. But what hurts is I know you'll treat them better than you treat me. I cant stand being here without hurting. Why do you think I fight to never be home? I'm not going to Georgia with you. Not if you treat me like this. I dont feel like I have anything to look forward to in my life besides my wedding and my death. Nothing I do feels real anymore. Nothing I say has any sort of meaning anymore to you. I want to scream and cry but the last time I tried to vent to my girlfriend, in my own room, you barged in and called me a liar. Although you apologized I cant forget that. It doesnt just go away. I cant just get over it. It hurts to be called a liar when all I'm doing is expressing my feelings in what I thought was in private. I'd love to call this place home again but am I really allowed to when I'm not the one paying the bills? Am I allowed to feel safe here even if I'm "essentially a roommate"? I'm not depressed because I dont have a set schedule. I'm not depressed because I'm not getting enough sleep or eating right. Im depressed because everything is crushing in on me and no one is helping me un-bury myself but trin and ky. I cant begin to explain how much I hate myself. How much i just want to shed my skin and become everything that everyone wants me to be. A good student, employee, child, significant other, friend, or fur mom. I want to be perfect. But I cant do that. And you dont seem to understand that I'm still human. I'm still trying to figure myself out and realize who I truly want to be. Pushing me isnt going to help. Its only going to make me fall down and hurt myself.
