With Open Eyes

Honesty

I woke up to a quiet and empty house. As I threw off the covers and got out of bed I made my way down the hall and into the kitchen finding a yellow sticky note on the counter from my mother telling me she's gone to an audition and won't be back until next Monday. I crumble up the note and throw it into the trash can watching it land neatly into a cluster of crumbled up notes.

I was used to this way of communication with my mother, we rarely had a face to face conversation, even when I'd get in trouble at school it was always just be me and the principle waiting on someone who never showed. Eventually they started to feel bad and stopped attempting to have meetings with my mother and I at the same time because it never worked out.

Looking through the fridge there wasn't much to work with. Looks like it was going to be cereal and spaghetti until my mom decided to go shopping, whenever that was. Treading back into my room after my breakfast I decided to change my clothes and head out. I couldn't stand being in the house for one more second it always made me feel so alone with my thoughts and that was the last thing I needed right now.

Farkle had texted me the other day letting me know his dad was going crazy over some big date Riley had this weekend, which means it is probably today. I couldn't be alone with my imagination all over the place, thinking about her and someone else. It was my fault this was happening if I had just stopped what I was saying all this could've been avoided and I wouldn't have been sulking this whole week.

Shutting the door behind me I took the stairs down to the first floor and out onto the pavement. The fresh air blew lightly and I could feel myself calming down already. I wandered aimlessly as I listened to my music zoning out the world and my feelings. I walked what felt like miles unsure of where my legs were taking me until I came upon a familiar street. Continuing down it I could see various cars parked in the lot, which was weird because it was the weekend. I stumbled onto the paved steps of the school, I never thought this would be my Saturday.

"Maya?" A voice cut through my music.

"Mr.Matthews," I took out my ear buds and paused my music looking up towards him as he came out of the school doors.

"The kids have been worried about you," and it was obvious that he was worried to by tone in his voice "You haven't been coming over as much. Is there something going on?"

He was a great guy and secretly my favorite teacher. Mr. Matthews has really done a lot for me already so what could it hurt being honest with him? He always knew what to say to me when I needed guidance and right now it felt like I needed a lot of it.

"I don't know who I'm suppose to be." I stare down at my shoes planted on the paved step below me.

"Maya at your age no one expects you to know who you are," he takes a step closer leaning on the metal railing, "but that doesn't mean you don't know who you are at the same time."

"I think I'm even more confused? I shouldn't know who I am but I should know at the same time?" I huff in frustration just wanting to pull my hair out at my internal fighting.

Cory sits beside me patting my head before he starts to laugh a little. "I understand, I was your age to at one point."

"Yeah, when dinosaurs walked the earth and you had to scavenge for food." Now it was my turn to laugh a little.

"Very funny," he cleared his throat " I'm being serious though. The person I know as Maya is a bit of trouble but she's a hard worker. She's smart and kind behind her tough 'don't give a crap' attitude. Excuse my language."

"I think you need a bit of language to describe me." I let out a small smile but continued to stare at the pavement.

"Maya you're artistic and funny you're so many different things you just have to embrace them all," He lets out a deep sigh that makes me look up at him. "I know you don't always have someone at home that can help you through these things but Maya I need you to know I am here and Topanga."

His words hit me hard I wasn't used to adults being so open about caring for me, I could feel my eyes start to water and I clenched my fists trying to hold them back. "I'm broken."

"You aren't broken you're just figuring out who you are, everyone changes, everyone has their crisis. It's just what you do about it that makes you different. The Maya I know isn't a quitter, so embrace everything that makes you, you."

"But I'm scared Mr. Matthews." I can feel myself start to bite my lips, a horrible habit I thought I had stopped.

"There's no reason to be scared."

"I'm scared that I'll lose my best friend if I'm honest with myself." I can feel the tears escape now leaving a trail behind.

"Farkle? He adores you Maya nothing you could do would make him hate you." He is facing me again I could tell by how clear he sounded.

"I'm scared you'll hate me to." I continued to look away from him I refused to let him see me cry.

"Maya you've been in my life a long time I could never hate you."

"Don't you hate Lucas." I think back to how much he hated the idea of Lucas getting together with Riley and how he might feel the same way about me.

"Well you and Lucas are completely different." I could hear the confusion in his voice.

"But you don't like Lucas because he likes Riley." My voice lowered to a whisper I was surprised he could still hear me speak at all.

"Well yeah that's true, but what does that have to do with you?" The confusion was still there but I knew he was smart and that soon he'd put the pieces together.

My tears were falling harder blurring my vision but I managed to turn and pull him into a hug. I could feel his arms slowly wrap around me. I've never had a father figure but Mr. Matthews was pretty close. I had to be honest with him even if that meant losing him forever.

"I'm afraid that I'm falling in love with your daughter." As soon as the words escaped my mouth I felt them linger a second before vanishing. He just held me tight before letting go it made me question if I had said it at all. I couldn't take the suspense of what he was thinking of saying and before he could I took off running. First down the steps and then as far away from the school as possible.

It felt good saying it aloud. The more people I told the lighter I felt. I didn't feel chained up inside hiding from the world. It felt good but then my thoughts flickered to Farkle, my best friend, he was the only person I really wanted to tell. How could someone feel free but at the same time like absolute crap?

A/N
Hey there pals! Sorry it's been awhile since the last update I have the next chapter in edit mode so I'm hoping to get that out today along with this chapter but it'll definitely be up by tomorrow. Thank you to those of you who have voted, commented, and added this story to your reading lists. In the end I'm writing this story for you so I hope you're enjoying it and if you have any suggestions don't be afraid to voice it. Comments are always nice even if you just want to say hello. I think you guys deserve a bunch more cookies for my slight hiatus! 🍪