Dear Peter, I will always love you

Five

"I'm ready Peter..." the words stutter out my mouth and I've never been so sure about anything in my life than right now. I'm ready. I want it to be Peter. I wanna feel everything with Peter. "Your ready..." he seems unsure, I'm sure though. "I'm ready Peter, I want you to be my first...." I take a deep breathe in. I don't smile. My face stays blank as I stare right into his eyes. "Covey are you sure...everyone's here I thought you wanted it to be romantic and special?" He doesn't understand how special and romantic this moment feels. "It is, I forgot everyone was here. It feels like it's just me and you and I don't wanna let that feeling go..." he smile gently at me and takes my hand in his before we walk back to the house.

"Yoo Kavinsky..." we hear Rivera shout but we ignore my eyes are fixated on him. The walk feels long, like we've walked miles to get to this point. Which we kind of have.

Peter slowly closes the door after me, he keeps me against the door. He leans down and kisses me. I close my eyes and take in every moment. He slowly kisses down my chest, my breaths become bigger. I roll my head back and arch my body closer to his. He slowly undoes my bathing suit and I'm left completely naked again. I have no escape this time, nothing to hide me. Im standing there right in front of him. He lifts me up and I wrap my legs around his waist, he slowly walks us over to the bed he sets me down under the unmade covers. I wait as he slips off his boxers and put the condom on. I gulp hard. He climbs underneath the covers with me and stays on top. "Peter..." he looks down "can you go slow..." he nods and he does. It's hurts a little at first which I flinch at but he makes me feel safe. I clutch into his back as he slowly thrusts into me. I moan softly into his ear and he does the same to me. It's a weird sensation, it feels like he's never touched me before like I'm falling in love with him all over again.

He falls down next to me as we finish. He keeps me in his arms and I lean into him. I stay quiet not knowing exactly what you do or say after an event like this. "Wow...." he whispers as he snuggles into me. I stay quiet staring at the roof. I've just lost my virginity and to Peter Kavinsky. Wow. He's right it is wow. I didn't expect to feel this way. I feel fine, I thought I'd regret it but I definitely don't. He stayed slow and was gentle just like I wanted and it was amazing. I turn around and he spoons me. I can't fall asleep as I can't get the feeling of his touch off my skin. Every time I think about it, all the feelings come back it's amazing. He's amazing.

I wake up wrapped in the covers, Peters still asleep. I turn over and just stare at him. I can't stop smiling. I get closer to him and snuggle up to him. He moves slightly and wraps his arms around me. Slowly his eyes open. "Morning..." he says in a quiet groggy voice "morning..." I keep the covers wrapped around my still naked body. He just smiles at me which me smile even more. "How are you feeling?" Peter asks he probably thinks I'm scared or embarrassed or even that I regret it.

"Peter Kavinsky I'm glad it was you..." he smiles at me and brings me tight against his chest. He starts placing kisses all over my face, I try to escape but he's too strong. "Peter.." I scream in laughter. He makes everything so bright. "Come her covey..." I laugh but as he brings me closer and closer to him it quickly evaporates. I smile at him and peck his lips. Resting my head into his chest.

"Peter let's get up, I wanna get in the lake..." I pout at him as he's kept me captive all this time in bed. He smiles at me. "The lake hmm..." I rolls my eyes, turning over and rolling off the bed. "Yes the lake..." I say keeping the covers wrapped round me. Peter slowly turns around and grabs a pair of his boxers. Sliding them on before coming up behind me. "Coffee?" He says kissing my cheek. I nod at him before he makes his way down the stairs. I grab my bubble gum pink bikini and I stare at myself in the mirror. I feel new. Like I'm the new and improved Lara jean song Covey. I feel confident. I smile at myself and wrap my hair into a messy bun grabbing my slides and sunglasses walking down the stairs to get Peter. I hope he doesn't tell anyone.

I walk up behind him as he pours the coffee into mugs. I slip my arms around his waist like he usually does to me. I peck his shoulder before jumping up onto the counter. He hands me a mug and stands in front on me in between my legs. We don't speak our silence is comfortable. It's nice.

"Lara Jean... Peter" Gens voice makes my whole body weak. I fake a smile like always. I don't want Peter to hate Gen but I don't want him to like her either. "Hi Gen.." I smile at her as she barges past us to get herself a coffee.

"How was your night Gen?" I ask her to be polite and I also wanna make sure she's fine. She didn't seem fine last night. "Just fine Lara Jean..why?" Her voice goes a bit bitter. "I just wanted to make sure you had a good time Gen, no other motive trust me" she scoffs at my light hearted remark. She walks right away ending the conversation. I sigh and lean my head to the side.

"I don't know why you make such an effort with her, I mean all she's been is cruel to you.." I shrug at his comment. "Well at the end of the day you two were in love and I don't want you guys to hate each other because of me.." it's true, it kinda reminds me of Margot and Josh. They truly loved each other and now they are nothing but a distant memory and I don't think thats how love should end. "That's not it Lara Jean she just, she just wasn't the nicest and it's over and I love you not her..." knowing that he loves me over Gen is an incredible feeling because I always think about her and compare myself to her when I know I shouldn't. 

We head outside for another day in the lake. I walk out in confidence like I can take on the world. I feel good. I'm glad I'm waited because all those times I almost lost it, if I actually did then maybe I wouldn't feel great. Maybe I would regret it in a way. I'm not sure. Peters talking to the guys and it's weird I never really noticed that none of these people are my friends. I look around and all the girls are tanning and the boys are mucking about in the pool. I don't mind hanging about with Peter and his friends but maybe he should have alone time with them. I head back inside and grab the latest book I'm reading. I take out a towel and lay it on the grass next to the lake.

I lay down on my front and start reading, a couple hours go by and I feel a presence next to me. They don't say anything they just lay there with me. I take a deep breathe and turn my head. Peter stares at me. I turn my head back to my book and he wraps his arms around me.
"You seriously brought a book with you Covey" he raises his perfect brows. "Well I wanted to come prepared.." I narrows my eyes at him and close my book. "I've missed you..." he pouts and it's the thing he does every time he wants attention. I start messing with his hair. "I thought you should spend sometime with the boys.." I shrug not really caring.

"I wanted to spend time with you.. especially after last night..." his face softens, I smile at him gently. "I don't regret it, I wanted to spend time with you too.." he smiles at me and pecks my cheek. I smile at the feeling of his touch on my skin. It goes all throughout my skin. Like electricity. "What?" He's studying my face "nothing..." I smile at him, he smiles back before attacking me with tickles. He picks me up and throws me straight into the lake.

"Peter!" I scream at him and he cannonballs straight into the lake after me. He swims up to me and I splash water in his face. Wrapping my around his neck. I peck his lips before splashes hit our faces.

"Oooo Kavinsky!!" The butterfly feeling disappears as everyone floods in. He gets pushed under by the boys so I swim over to the edge and sit with my feet in the lake. I wish Chris was hear or Lucas or Kitty anyone really. Peter has all these friends and I'm just starting to realise I have no one. Maybe I'll talk to the girls, I know Gen and me aren't in the same page but maybe if I sit with them and just try and engage them maybe I won't be alone all the time.