Dear Peter, I will always love you

Fifteen

"There you are Covey.." his voice is so concerned but distant. "Covey... are you ok?" I cough and shake my head "yeah I'm good" it doesn't make sense. Why am I griping so tight to this piece of paper with his number on it when the only person I should want is Peter. He's the only boy I've ever truly loved. "Let's go back to mine.." he grips onto my hand and pulls me off the floor, he holds me in a tight embrace. I hold the number in my hand in my pocket.

We get to his and he holds my hand walking me into his. "You ok?" He says pecking my cheek. I simply nod pecking his lips so he doesn't suspect anything. I love him. I do. I would never not love him.

We lay in his bed. He holding me tight and we stay quite. "Why didn't you just tell me?" The question burst out. I sigh and say it slow but it's sudden. I hear him sigh "because I just didn't think you'd like it there... " he says quietly. "Peter.. you can do whatever you want but just don't keep secrets from me...." I feel almost a pang if guilt. I'm contradicting myself. I have another boys number and I'm not telling him. Is that bad. "Covey, it's not a secret, it was just a couple parties.." his voice slowly get more agitated. "So all those times you were at lacrosse or helping you mom, you lied to me and went there.." I feel myself getting more angry. " Covey it isn't like that... it's just.." I don't let him finish, I feel myself get upset and I'm not sure why. Is it because of what he did or is it because I feel like we're losing each other. Am I drifting away from him. " it's just nothing Peter, you lied to me and that's the fact and you can't even tell me that, what's the point if your gonna lie to me.." I blurt out. I sit up and look at him.

"What's the point are you kidding me!" He raises his voice. I don't say anything which causes a silence for a moment. "Yes... Peter I look like an idiot and there is clearly something your not telling me..." it comes out quiet like a peep. "I'm sorry ok! I can't change what happened ok so just get over it!" He gets more angry and I sit on the edge of his bed. I don't look at him. "What are you not telling me?" I whisper looking down at my hands. I hear him sigh and moves closer to me. I know there's something. "I just made a mistake, I didn't meant mean to. Really Covey..." I close my eyes and take a sigh. "What are you saying Peter.." I roll my head back and try hold back the tears as my breathe is shaky. "Gen-" my heart falls a little "no... Peter anyone but her" I let the tear slip. " I didn't meant to she came on to me and it just happened" a couple more tears fall, he try's to comfort me but I push him off. "You could have done it with anyone, you chose her. It hurts more that it was her... " I say quietly, I don't look at him and I just get up. "Covey where are you goin?" He gets up too. "Anywhere but here...." I grab my stuff and as my hand places itself if the door handle I feel his on my hand. "Don't... this can't be fixed so easy Peter..." I open the door and walk out to my car.

I park my car on a random street. I place my head on the steering wheel and just sit in silence letting the tears fall. I put my hands in my pocket and feel the paper. I take it out and look at it. I pull my phone out and call it.

Ring ring

"Hello" I hear his voice, exactly how I remember.

"Hi... it's me from the party the girl, I don't know if you remember me but you gave m-"

"Haha yeah I remember you... what's up?"

"You busy?" My heart is racing.

"Hmm let me check my schedule.." he made me laugh a little

"It's your lucky day... I'm free" I let out a breathe and smile.

"Good.. where do I get you?"

"At the party still.." and the line goes dead, I smile.

I arrive at the house and text him I'm hear. Peter keeps calling and texting me to get home because I've had a drink but I'm fine. I am. The last person I want to see is him.

The car door open and he's here. I smile at him and back out the drive. "I'm surprised you called what about your boyfriend..." I bite my lower lip not wanting to answer. "He did something I can't forgive him for..."  I try hold back the tears. I park into a empty parking lot that looks into a beach. "You want talk about it.." I shake my head. "I wanna forget about it.." my voice comes out gentle and I look at him. His eyes are soft. They're a blue colour like the ocean and they feel so comforting. "I'm jacob.." he smiles at me and leans back in his chair. "Lara jean..." I smile softly. He puts the radio on and the music is soft and gentle.

I close my eyes as I sit in my seat, my phone keeps ringing. It's peter no doubt. "Ignoring his calls, he must of done something bad.." he emphasises his words. I chuckle and roll my eyes "Yeah he did..." even though I don't know this boy I have this urge to tell him everything, to open up. "I mean if it was that bad why are you still dating him.." he speak so calming and straight forward. He just says it. "I don't know, I love him a lot but I've never been in love with anyone else. I don't wanna lose this feeling.." I turn my head at him, he places his hand in mine and I don't say anything I just smile at him. Are eyes are met and they don't leave each other's gaze. "You can leave someone and still love them..the feeling ain't gonna go away.." he runs circles in my hand. Jacob is completely opposite to what I expected. "I know... he cheated on me though with his ex who hates me 100% of the time... so if I leave him I don't wanna hate him.. I wanna love him still forever" his eyes widen, he takes a deep breathe and doesn't take his eyes off me. "Why wouldn't he cheat on you? I get it.. maybe it's best to focus on your-..." as he speaks his eyes are sparkling and his hair is flopping around. Everything is in a muffle and I have the sudden urge to push my lips on his.

I do it, Lara Jean did it. She took a leap of faith. I place my lips on his and he kisses back. I know it's wrong and hypocritical but Jacob is a really good kisser. Really good kisser. He unbuckles his belt and I don't know what comes over me, is it hurt, anger I don't know but something made me go into the back seat of my car with him. As I lay on the back seat I stare up at him as he body is places above mine. I feel safe. Really safe. He slowly takes off my bottoms. He places kisses everywhere and he makes me feel wanted. Is that why I did it.

Did I just want to feel wanted, as I'm driving Jacob home. I feel happy and light. He kisses me goodnight and goes off into his house. I have no where to go expect home or Peters and if I go home I left for nothing. I phone him.

"Covey, finally I'm so worried. I'm so sorry..." he rambles on but his voice makes me feel uneasy.
"It's fine... it's ok Peter..." it's not ok and it's not fine but it has to be after what I done.
"Covey where are you..." his voice is distant and I'm distracted by my thoughts.
"Covey!" He shouts down the phone
"Em close by to yours, I'll be over in 5..." I scramble my words together.
"I love you.." I know I have to say it back but I can't choke up the words to say it. If I loved him I wouldn't have slept with someone else and if he loved me he wouldn't of done the same.

I hang up and drive to his, as I reach his house I see him waiting in the steps. " Covey!" He opens my door and unbuckles my belt. I step out the car and his arms hold me in a tight embrace. "I love you so much..." being in his arms makes me feel comfort but I feel so guilty. Did he feel this way when he knew and I didn't? "I love you too peter..." do I tell him, surely not. He didn't tell me or is that worse. Lara jean what have you got yourself into.