Dear Peter, I will always love you

Twenty-one

"Peter... are we over for good.. because I don't want us to be but if we are it's okay I just need to know because I need to know how to not be in love with you.." my heart is pounding and breathe is shaking. He places his hand from mine onto my face.
"I don't, I don't want it to be but thatd selfish of me...." he rubs his hand on my cheeks.
"I don't either..." I never take my eyes from his.
"But how can we.." I continue.
"We can try press restart not rush thing...last try because I don't think I can love anyone like I love you.." maybe he's right, a fresh start.
"All we can do is try..." I bite my lower lip and look at the floor. He holds me in his arms and walks me to my car. He opens my door and pecks my cheek.

"See you later lara jean" before shutting it, as soon as the door shuts I feel myself smile uncontrollably.

I get home and dump my bag at the bottom of the stairs before making my way to the kitchen.
"Hey dad" I smile as he attempts to cook dinner. "Hey sweetie" he smiles gently at me. "Good day at school?" His eyes glance up at mine. "Yeah it was" I smile, I look through the fridge and take a bottle of water.

"Sweetie are you sure your okay? I know it's been tough with Peter and I could tell you really liked him" his smile seems almost pitiful now. "We spoke today.. We actually spoke" I fiddle with the bottles water. "That's great sweetheart" I smile knowing that it is "we hadn't spoken in weeks you know ever since the party I told you about.. it was good, He wants to try again" I say this so I can see if my dad is approving of the idea. "Are you sure this is a good idea, I don't want him to break your heart again" he puts the knife down on the chopping board and starts to walk round over to me. "I think so, we're going to take it slow start again.. everything got messy so quick but daddy I just can't see a future without him" he sits next to me and smiles. "That's exactly the feeling I felt with your mother, the first moment I laid eyes of her I knew.. you'd be making her proud" everytime he speaks about her he's happy. "You think so.." I stare over at the family picture of us that hasn't left the wall since her passing. "I know so, your so much a like you know, this year lara jean you've just been so open and happy, she always made everything into a good time" he gets back up and continues chopping. "You know I like hearing about her, I just wish she was still here..." I shrug my shoulders staring at the water, I miss her so much. "I know sweetie"

I lay on my bed that night and read a book, I hear a knock at my window. I get up and look outside and see Peter throwing stones. "Why are you here?" I whisper  shout at him so no one else hears. "Can I come up?" He motions to the window and then points to a grocery bag. "You shouldn't.." I say without any confidence, "please" he pouts to me. I roll my eyes and smile "fine.. you have to be quiet though" i say sternly. He starts to climb up the tree. He jumps in through the window and pecks me on the cheek.

"What are you doing here?" I whisper, my eyes widen and my eyebrows raise. "Things aren't good at home... and I couldn't stop thinking about you so I thought I'd bring you something" he motions to the grocery bag. He grabs a blanket from my bed and places it on the floor, he places put a bunch of my favourite foods. He sits down and pays next to him, so I sit. "Hi I'm Peter" he puts his hand out to shake mine, I giggle. "Hi lara jean, it's a pleasure" I giggle at the end of my words. "The pleasures all mine.." he kisses my hand. I roll my eyes and laugh softly again. "Peter are you okay? What's going on at home?" I study his whole body to see if it tenses up or if it stays relaxed. He tenses as I predict. "It no big deal..." he leans back on his arms trying to play it cool. "It is, I wanna know... if it's making you upset you can talk to me" I say placing my hand on his which seems like a natural instinct but It feels so strange, I have made contact with peter in a long time. I immediately remove my hand from his. "I know it's just nothing.." I dont push it because I know he hates talking about stuff like this. "Okay.." I say gently, I lean against my bed frame and look at my hands feeling slightly awkward.

"It's weird isn't it?" I say quietly, he moves over and leans on the bed frame too. "Whats weird?" I feel his eyes on me but I don't look up. "Us? This? After everything.. I still love you but I guess it all just feel a bit out of place" I shrug, keeping my eyes down. "I suppose but it'll just take time, it's good though.. this isn't it?" I feel him second guessing himself "yeah obviously... I missed you" I finally look up at him. "I missed you too.." I lean my head on his shoulder and close my eyes as he pecks my forehead.

I open my eyes and Peter is still here, I check my phone and it's 6:00am. We must of fell asleep. We have school soon everyone will be up in half an hour or so. "Peter.. Peter.. wake up" I whisper shout, shaking his body. "Hmm.." he groans, I roll my eyes and shake his body again "Peter come on you have to go" I say, he opens his eyes and embraces me in a hug. "What time is it?" He holds me right against his body, I can feel his heart beats against my chest. "6.. so you need to go everyone will be up soon" his body is so warm I never want to leave his embrace "I know... I'll see you at school" he gets up off the floor letting me slip from his embrace and pecks my cheek before heading out the window. I lean against the window frame and watch him drive off.  I feel happy, I never knew love could make you feel so bad but so good.