Dear Peter, I will always love you

Twenty

I room it easy over the weekend and spent time with kitty. We had a Golden Girl marathon and I made pancakes. It was so fun and I stayed off my phone even though peter and Jacob were both blowing up my phone. It was good for me, this is good for me. Doing the things I love.

It's Monday Morning and I get up and put on an outfit which is just chunky trainers and a tshirt dress something casual and not out there. I put my hair in a tight pony. I'm ready, I'm ready to be me unapologetically.

I arrive at school and take a deep breathe before turning the corner where both mine and peters lockers are. I keep my head down and head straight to my locker not wanting anyone to pay attention to me. I put my books in and I feel a presence next to me. I glance  my eyes up and see Peters. "Covey" I look up and smile "kavinsky" he leans against the locker neck to mine "I called you a thousand times" I bite my lower lip and think of a reply. "I know" is all I could come up with "why wouldn't you call me back I was worried sick" I smile "I'm okay though, Peter I'm ok finally ok... I just think we need to be us separately for a while at least so we know who we are as individuals" he rolls his head back "I should of never of let you go.." he closes my locker and walks off, I watch him. It's not fair, he can't do this to me and my happiness.

Throughout the day I feel good, I watch him and how his life is just always like that. Questioning if he will make me happy or not. I get a text from Chris saying to meet her under the bleachers again. So I do as she says.

"LJ I got you something so sacred it'll make you the happier girl alive.." she says, Chris isn't always with me and ghosts me but she always knows how to make me happy.

"What is so sacred" I say with anticipation,
"Waaa haaa! Subwayyy" she reveals from behind her back. "I'm so glad I have you" I pull her into a hug which she imidately removes herself from. "I love you LJ but never hug me again.." I laugh and shake my head.

"So LJ how are you after peter anyway and Jacob, that was kinda messy?" She says munching into her sandwich. "Yeah a bit, fine I suppose. I just don't know when life got so complicated.." I say taking a sip of my drink.
"LJ I know I'm not the best with advice and I never talk like this with you but your really open to the world and opportunities now and you never used to be like that, it's refreshing to see" she says as if it's not the sweetest thing she's ever said to me.
"I feel different, I want to be the lara jean before Peter but I don't think I can" I say finishing my sandwich.
"Change is good LJ, I just don't think either of us realised it" she says, we get out from under the bleacher and lay on the grass.

"Do you miss him?" She places her head on my stomach. "I guess.." I watch the clouds pass by. "You guess, LJ you know if you do or don't" Chris says less than impressed.
"Yeah I do. I can't go back with him can I after everything it would be wrong, pointless as if all this heart break was for nothing" Chris peels herself up to look at me, she squints her eyes.
"Hmm LJ is that the only reason?" She questions
"Should there be another reason?"
"No but it just doesn't seem like a legitimate reason, if you like him little LJ you should just go get him back.." she plays with my hair. I smile at her, I'm not used to Chris being this nice.
"You think" she nods, it makes me think. Should I? Is peter really worth all the pain I went through?

It's the end of the day and I'm walking to my car, my head feels clear and I feel happy after the talk with Chris. "Yo! Co- Lara jean!" I turn round, knowing it's peter. He's been trying to contact me ever since the party. "Yeah?" I say looking up at him. "Oh eh so we can talk now?" He's a bit taken back, that's expected usually I'm shouting down his throat. " yeah, sorry I just had to sort my head out.." being honest to him, I give him a genuine smile.  "I get that..." he smiles back at me. "So I just wanna say I'm sorry okay, what I did, said and acted was me just being a douche and I was worried" I study his face, does he mean this Lara jean. Don't fall for him again if he's lying. "Worried about what?" I play with my thumbs nervously.
"Messing up again... you know I'd do anything to change time and re do it all.." he places his hand in mine.
"You would..." he nods.
"Anything Lara jean... anything. I don't know how it went so wrong, when it was right.." he's so venerable, his eyes are so sad.

"Peter... are we over for good.. because I don't want us to be but if we are it's okay I just need to know because I need to know how to not be in love with you.."