Why Don't You Figure My Heart Out? (Matthew Healy)

// Yeah, I want you //

I spent the next few days laying around the house and, as per usual, missing Matty. I felt pathetic missing him this much but we just have such a connection that I can’t help it. I don’t even want to have sex with him; I just want to hold him. It’s funny how our relationship went from steamy sex to just cuddling and eating junk and getting high. I miss the days where he would come over and stay for a week and all we’d do is get stoned, lounge around in nothing but our underwear, smoke cigarettes and just talk about everything from beards to music to touring to TV shows and movies, and just anything that came to mind. We called each other pretty much constantly and skyped, but it doesn’t even compare to seeing him and hearing his voice in person. Ryan texted me the details for the party which was tonight. I checked the time and saw that it was already 5:00pm so I had a shower and washed my hair, then got ready. I put on my foundation and blush, then just simple winged eyeliner, my blue circle lenses and mascara. I then dried my hair, leaving it down for the night. I got dressed into my black dress that I wore on mine and Matty’s first date with my big platform boots and a simple black cardigan. The party was at Ryan’s boyfriend’s house so I looked it up and figured out that it wasn’t that far from where I live. I had to catch the 182 bus, which with all the stops would take roughly half an hour. I checked the time yet again and it was 6:30pm, so I decided to get down to the bus stop now. I quickly went to the liquor store down the street and picked up a bottle of vodka and a couple of beers, then waited for the bus. It came in 5 minutes and I hopped on and walked to the back. I sat down and put in my headphones and put on The 1975. It made me feel a little emotional, but I sucked it up. As Ryan said, if I want it to work I have to suck it up. I thought about Matty the whole way there.

I got off the bus at the correct stop and, luckily, it was close to his house. It was now 7:10pm so I was 20 minutes early. I knocked on the door and who I presume is Kyle answered.

“Uh, can I help you?” he asked.

“Yeah um I’m Maddy, Ryan’s friend?”

“Oh hi! Come in, I’ll go get him”

I walked in and this house was glorious. The walls were all white apart from one black wall. There was a beautiful glass chandelier hanging in the hall and the dining table was huge. Ryan came running down the stairs and jumped on me, wrapping his legs around my waist.

“You’re such a little shit” I laughed.

“Yeah, I know” he giggled back. I went and put my drinks in the fridge and then sat down on the couch. About half an hour later people started arriving, half of which I’d never seen before. Ryan said this was a little party, but over 100 people is definitely NOT little. By 10:00pm I was drunk. Actually, very drunk. I started talking to this guy. I mentioned that I was dating Matty and he didn’t really care, but I just had to mention it so he didn’t get the wrong impression. I wasn’t flirting, I was just trying to have a nice conversation with somebody. By 11:00pm, this guy was grinding on me. Obviously I told him to fuck off and pushed him away, but he just wasn’t taking no for an answer. He continued to try and dance with me and every time I pushed him off me. He then grabbed me by the waist and pulled me into him. I could feel that he was getting hard and I tried to push him away again but he was pulling me so close to him that I couldn’t get away. And the he kissed him. I gave him one giant push and he fell to the ground. I then proceeded to step on his wrist with my boot. He let out a scream and I ran outside. I pulled out my phone and immediately called Matty. I was drunk and scared. I needed to tell him what had happened.

“Hello?” I heard him say over the loud music.

“Matty” I cried, trying to mask it.

“Honey, what’s wrong?” he said sounding incredibly worried.

“Matt I’m at this party and I was talking to this guy and he kissed me” by this point I was sobbing. “I-I didn’t want it to happen. I kept pushing him away but he just kept pulling me back into him a-and I want to go home but I’m not sure how to and I’m so scared Matty”

“Are you with Ryan?”

“I-I don’t know where he is”

“Go and find him, okay baby? I want to kill this guy, you don’t treat women like that” he sounded furious.

“I’m so sorry” I cried.

“Hey, this is NOT your fault, okay? Go find Ryan and get him to call you a taxi. Go home and have a nice hot shower and get into bed. Call me back when you get in the taxi, okay? I love you so fucking much Maddy, I just want you to be safe”

“Okay baby, I love you so much” I cried and hung up. I ran inside and found Ryan in the kitchen with Kyle. He saw the tear stains down my face. I told him what happened and he called me a taxi and waited outside with me while Kyle went and dealt with the guy who harassed me. The taxi got here and I hopped in, then saw the guy who harassed me stumble out of the house and scream at my taxi that I was a ‘fucking whore’. I called Matty and told him that I was safely on my way home and I heard him become incredibly relieved. I said goodnight to him and then hung up. I wiped away my tears and sat through my ride home in complete silence. I payed the driver once we got to my flat and then ran upstairs, got changed into Matt’s plain black V-neck and went to bed. If he was here, this never would of happened.