Why Don't You Figure My Heart Out? (Matthew Healy)

// I like the way that your face looks when I'm arguing with you //

It had been a week since we got the news that the baby was gone. I still cried every night. Matty still cried most nights. This baby was something that was destine to keep us together, our ‘little bundle of joy’. I could never ever wish this pain upon anybody. Losing something that was literally a part of you. And to think, another month and a half down the line we were gonna find out the gender. It tore me apart. I didn’t want to be touched by anyone, not even Matt. I didn’t leave the house and I hadn’t showered in a couple of days. We told Denise and Ryan, and they were gutted. But me- I was a mess. Matty was a mess. Whenever he tried to touch me, to comfort me, I’d push him away because I just couldn’t deal with somebody touching me. The only time we ever touched was at night when we were in bed. This baby wasn’t even planned, but we were still so happy about it. We were gonna be mummy and daddy. We were gonna have our baby. But now nothing is the same. Matt and I are drifting apart and I don’t want that to happen at all. We were sitting on the couch watching some soap when I felt his hand touch mine gently. I accepted it and put my hand in his, intertwining our fingers. I saw a sad smile come across his face.

“Babe, we can’t just mope around all day. We have to move on. Maybe in a year or two we can try again and plan a baby. But for now, what’s done is done” he said as he rubbed his thumb on the back of my hand. I pulled my hand away.

“What’s done is done? We lost our baby, Matt. I lost something that was growing inside of me that was literally a part of me. You can’t just say ‘what’s done is done’ and move on in a situation like this. It’s not a fucking tour.” I snapped and afterwards I realised how harsh I sounded. He got up and walked into the bedroom, slamming the door behind him. I got off the couch and walked to the bedroom. “Matty, I’m sorry. Please let me in?”

“All you’re gonna do is snap at me again” he said. I’ve never spoken to him like this before. This is our first real argument and we both weren’t sure how to handle it.

“I won’t, baby. Please just open the door” he opened the door and I walked in and we both lay down on the bed.

“I’m sorry. I’m just still upset. I didn’t mean to talk to you like that babe” I apologized.

“I know, love. I’m sorry too” he said. I leaned in and kissed him for the first time in a week. I’d forgotten how much I love his lips, the taste of his tongue just coated in nicotine. He was right, though. We had to put this behind us and move on. It happened, life goes on. We’ll try again one day.

“You know it’s my birthday tomorrow?” I asked.

“Of course I know you doofus” he smiled. “I got you something weeks ago”

“Let’s do something fun tomorrow. Just me and you” I smiled.

“I’ve already got something planned, don’t you worry” he assured me and then kissed me again.

Then next day I woke up in an empty bed to the smell of burning and the sound of smoke alarms. I walked into the kitchen to see Matty fumbling around with pans and trying to get the smoke alarm to shut up. I stood in the doorway laughing.

“What? I was trying to make you breakfast” he said as he popped his head up.

“You really have no idea how to cook, do you?” I laughed as I walked up behind him, wrapping my arms around his waist and resting my head on his shoulder. He turned around and put his arms around my neck.

“Not a clue” he laughed in a raspy voice. “How about we just go out for breakie? I’ve got a surprise for you afterwards as well”

“Sound great” I replied. We showered and got ready, then headed out. We went to this really nice place for breakfast. There weren’t many people there, it was practically just us. After a giant breakfast of bacon and hash browns we walked back to Matty’s car and hopped in.

“Alright, before we start driving, put this on” he said as he handed me a blindfold.

“Why?” I asked him.

“I told you it’s a surprise” he smirked. I put on the blindfold and Matty started driving. About 15 minutes later, he guided me out of the car telling me not to take the blindfold off. I heard a lot of people, mainly children and honestly, I had no clue where we were. We walk up a flight of stairs and Matty finally told me to take off the blindfold. I took it off and looked up. We were at the aquarium. We walked in and got our tickets, then started walking around. First we went and sat the sharks, my absolute favourites. Then we went to the petting area where you can pick up things like starfish and crabs. We walked around for a bit longer before sitting down on one of the benches right in front of one of the giant tanks filled with fish swimming around.

“Happy birthday, babe” Matt said as he took my hand.

“Thank you so much for this Matty. It’s already made me feel heaps better. I love you”

“I love you, too. Oh! Your present!” he exclaimed as he pulled a little box out of his pocket. He opened it up and inside was a crystal bracelet. It was clustered with amethyst, rose quarts and obsidian crystals. It was beautiful.

“Matt it’s beautiful” I said as he put it on my wrist.

“Not as beautiful as you” he smiled. I started laughing. “What?” he asked.

“You’re so fucking cheesy” I laughed.

“Shut up” he giggled.

“It’s okay though, that’s why I love you” I smiled and kissed him. 

"Just to think, it's been an entire year since I met you. How did I get so lucky?" he asked, smiling.

"I guess you just did" I smiled back.