My Father's a Homo

Year of the Child

A/N: I'm back. I'm fucking tired, but I'm back.

I was at Dad's for the weekend, and we had a really good time. We watched a movie together on Friday evening, and we went to a baseball match together on Saturday (even if Dad still didn't really understand what was happening). It was now Sunday afternoon, and I was plugged into my Walkman trying to memorise prayers for my Bar Mitzvah.

A knock sounded on the door, but I hardly heard it, too caught up in my memorising. Dad evidently went and got the door, because in walked Mom and Mendel.

Mom took my headphones off my head, greeting me, "Jason, dear, hello. Have you got your bags packed, ready to go?"

I nodded, and she moved as though to leave, but after a look from Mendel turned back around.

"But before we go," she continued. "Let me speak with your Dad. Alone."

Dad was standing on the other side of the room, and she walked over to him, beginning to talk. "Now, as the Bar Mitzvah nears, Marvin... Jason, put your... Walkerman on and hum."

I put my Walkman on and once again began to memorise my prayers. Except not really, because while I couldn't hear Mom or Dad or Mendel, I could tell they were fighting, and it was kind of hilarious to watch with very little context.

Mom was sitting on the couch, Dad leaning against the back of one chair, Mendel against another. It started simply enough, with Mom saying something to Dad, and him replying, looking a little ticked off. They almost immediately began to snap back at each other, with Mom gesticulating wildly with her arms, speaking towards Mendel but motioning towards Dad. Mendel was obviously trying to stay out of it. Can't say I blame him.

I stopped paying attention until Mendel pulled my headphones off, telling me to "Stop with the prayers, kiddo."

Mom looked shocked, walking towards Mendel, exclaiming "How can you 'stop with the prayers' at a Bar Mitzvah?"

"The whole thing's just some abracadabra crap, Trina," Mendel replied. "And besides, I know more than you do!"

I put my headphones on and danced like nobody was watching. Doesn't mean I wasn't watching them though. Dad came and stood beside me and Mom and Mendel exchanged words, before he went and sat down. Mom stood beside me, and began talking with Dad. Something about how excited they are about me growing up?

Dad took my headphones off as they both looked at me lovingly. I was going to vomit.

"My child," Dad said with a smile, ruffling my hair.

"Our child," Mom replied pointedly, venom absolutely dripping from her words.

Mendel pulled me away from them, stating, "Children, please," in an exasperated tone. "Just throw the kid a celebration, and loosen up."

He began to lead me away, telling me, "I'll bring women from the wrong side of the tracks. Me and you are going to have a ball!"

Mendel began to tell me about his own bar mitzvah, "My own bar mitzvah was a miserable affair, and the cause for such abrasion in my family. Honestly the thought of it still gives me hives."

Mendel shuddered a bit and I could now more clearly hear Dad going on about how much of an asshole Mendel is. Fun times.

"Where's my hug, Jason?" Dad asked.

As I turned to face him, Mom asked, "Where's my hug?"

I was saved from having to choose who to hug first by the doorbell ringing, Dad went to open it. He walked back in with Charlotte and Cordelia in tow.

"Look, a lesbian from next door!" exclaimed Charlotte.

"Followed by her lover who's a lesbian from next door, too!" continued Cordelia.

I ran over and hugged them, laughing at our inside joke. It's a long story and honestly? Don't ask. Just don't.

"But I've got food for everyone! Nouvelle bar mitzvah cuisine!" Cordelia had a habit of slipping into French when she was excited or nervous. I think her grandfather was French, so that would probably explain it.

Mom groaned slightly, but to her credit at least tried to sound slightly excited. While Cordelia was a marvellous cook, when it comes to Jewish food, there's... room for improvement.

"Here! I've got dietetic knishes and gefilte fishes: food that from the heart!" bubbled Cordelia. "Take and a bit and see if all of your friends are of the same opinion."

"It's good!" assured Mendel.

"Very yummy, dear, it's great," Charlotte encouraged.

They began shouting about how great my bar mitzvah was going to be. They're way more excited than they should be. I started to tune them out. I looked up to find that they had started a conga line. Oh my God.

Suddenly, Mendel and Dad were right beside me, lifting me in a king's chair, still going on about the bar mitzvah.

They put me down, and Mom hugged me, Cordelia offered food, Charlotte punched me in the arm (which hurt) and Mendel ruffled my hair.

So I guess you could say that it was an eventful afternoon.

A/N: One thing I've noticed while writing scenes from Act Two is that now Jason is a bit older, I can feel a lot more of my usual writing style creeping in (sarcasm and dry wit e v e r y w h e r e)

846 words